Dec 31. 2008 3:29 pm

So last night Dad came home from Jamaica.. and he brought some Red Label wine.. now, I am not a drinker, so it was pretty much my first time drinking...lol I think I drank too much..As soon as I woke up this morning.. I was like.. my Goshh... why do I feel so weird ? lol...it wasn't until mom came in laughing about me having a hang over, that I really thought about it. I feel weird..
But my thought for today is centered on the question/thought of why Women will find the need to complain/rant so much, but guys don't. Now, reading over my past entries this is definately a problem that I have, and will willingly admit. But as time passes by, and I start to realize the lack of neccessity for it.. I wonder why women really even do it. Now, it doesn't necessarily mean, that we don't care about whatever the situation is. But, it just seems that girls know how to cross that invisible thin line. To where like, just talking about a situation or re-capping, turns into fulll outtt blahh blahhh blahhh complaining.. I can see why guys, don't like it. Looking back over some of the conversations that I had with people, concerning issues that were going on in my relationship, I definately should have adopted the phrase that states that silence is golden. That will definately be a resolution that I should make for the upcoming year. No matter what the situation is, or who the situation is with. If it can fit into the category of complaining, it needn't be done. I really want to be able to just talk about a situation, and most importantly, be be to have a civil conversation with the person it includes first. As opposed to complaining to friends or even family. And if that cannot be done, then I'll have to either write about it, or wait until it can be dealt with. The complaining thing has gotten old for me. Its now 4:40, and I'm still feeling weird.

Dec 25 : 2.04 pm.

Even though to me, it REALLY doesn't feel like Christmas, Merry Christmas to all :)

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Kenny G

Also..

I decided, that I am definately going to have to add visuals to my little space here.. I think some stimulus is needed...for mental stimulation lol...Goodnight World.

December 24th. 2008. 1:34

Its' been a while since I last posted. A lot of shit has happened since then. A lot of lessons learned? Maybe.. A lot of life lived?...Maybe not. Even though, I haven't posted since October, I've still been writing habitually. Don't know if I could live, and not write..its become a great part of me now. Lol, I find myself wondering what I was doing withOUT it before... Anywho, reading over the entries of times past.. way too many of them have to do with the same person. The same person, who in all truth, does not deserve that kind of attention. Yes, he had an integral part of in my life. But thats exactly what he had. A PART in my life. He was not my entire life. I won't be living like that anymore. Ironically though, I will post something that will seem to have to do with him, I will not be going into this upcoming year, with my focus and energy, regardless of whether it be positive or negative, concentrated on one person, unless it is me. Anyways, wrote this earlier. Alicia Keys' Troubles, was the song I played while I wrote it.

Update December 28th 4:15 am..

I had a poem I guess you could call it that I had written during a sad emotional episode earlier this week, that stemmed from a situation that happened with Him. He doesn't deserve that kind of emotional dedication, so I removed this piece. It just wasn't right for my mind to have been in that kind of state. I haved it saved somewhere here.. But publicy? He won't recieve any kind of indirect of direct attenion from me. The live version of Troubles by AKeys as shown below is a favourite of mine though, so that stays:)

It's been a month since I last posted, and I saw J today. I have two midterms tomorrow. Its 1:37 and my energy drink did not serve its purpose. My meeting with *him was...something. For different reasons that really have nothing to do with him. Its not like I did not enjoy his company. But, I just really wanted to get it out there and say how much I miss his lips. He kisses me softly and gently with his succulent, round, full lips, on my forehead, my back, my stomach, my neck, my chest, my lips. My body. We have our problems, we've had our problems but I realized today on the long trek back to my city, that the guy must really care about me. To travel the distance he does without complaining and to do it willingly, just to spend time with me.To hold me, to kiss me. Sometimes all he does is stare at me. It really put some of our issues into perspective. Next time I want to bark at him for not doing something right, I need to remember how I was feeling throughout that 2.5 hr mission back home. And hes done that early in the morning, to come to me, and late at night to go back home. Just to be with me.. It touches me deep in my heart. I'm compelled to apologize for half of the arguments we've had and all of the bullshit that I've brought to him, and subsequently put him through. He's a beautiful, attractive dark skinned man. So handsome. With a beautiful body, and intelligent mind. I really need to deal with myself. I've been pretty selfish.

What I want this much should never hurt this bad..
BitterSweet Poetry- Kanye West

Nothing else needed to be said.

Trust.

This week has been a really rough patch for us. It was the first time that I was feeling some of the emotions that I felt this week since we got together. They weren't feelings of anger or anything like it, but they definately weren't good ones. It was such a hard week. But, today as I realized that enough was enough and that it was time to do away with the whole situation, I decided that from now on I was going to do away with negative thinking. Me thinking negatively caused me a great deal of disturbance this week. So I'm not going to do it anymore. Whatever happens, is going to happen. If anything is going on in the dark, it will come out in the light. I am going to make a strong effort to stop thinking about all the what if's that could be happening, and trust my boyfriend. Trust him wholeheartedly. Trust him with more than just not talking to other girls. Trust him that he won't hurt me. Trust him that he will be there. Trust him when he tells me how he feels about me. Trust him to love me. Trust him to be real with me. I am just going to trust. Now, I realize that I could risk me getting burned, but really, its time for me to do away with my self-esteem issues and my overpowering doubts. I am going to trust. I refuse to let myself ruin this relationship. We have our problems, and we both bring some issues to the table, but I can't let something that is really so minimal to destroy the relationship with someone that I have grown to love. With a love that has transformed and matured me so much. There is no way. Let's keep working J, we can only reach there together.

Jesus touched me yesterday morning. And he took off the heaviest burden that I had been carrying around. I feel light and airy for lack of a better term. I feel clean, cleansed, free, open, just so light. And the way that I had been feeling, the weight that I had been carrying around, most of the time unknowingly, was something that only God could lift. And I'm thankful that He did. Its time for me and my life to make a 180, I've been going in the wrong direction for too long. It will be hard to go against the grain, but I have to do it. The burdens were too heavy.

You'll Never Find It.

So I was sitting in the car today, waiting for my mom to come out of Michaels, and I was seeing all these families come and park in the spaces surrounding the vehicle. And I got to thinking about what exactlty it is that persuades people to engage and locked themselves into matrimony. I started to think about the actual mental progression and development of a mans emotions as he began to entangle himself with a woman, who he would eventually come to see fit to be his life long companion and partner. I thought of the emotions that this man would have as he began to view this woman, as the most fit person that he has ever met to implant his seed within, and raise children. And then my mind took me back to a conversation that I had to with a guy that went to my high school. Now, the revelation that I had today, I am still trying to figure out of this is God giving me a revelation, or if its something else. So, high school friend, was explaining to me how he would like to find a girlfriend. Actually, I remember having this conversation twice, with two different people. And I had given them both the same response. Stop looking because, you won't find it, but rather it finds you. Now at the time, I was speaking half of the top of my head, and half from experience. But as I got to thinking about it today the thought occured to me: Eve was created for Adam. She was a complete compliment, engendered entity and companion to his being and existence. She wasn't something that Adam embarked on a journey to find. She was the highest form of gift that (pre-Christ's cruxifixion) God could give to a human being. If Adam, had decided that he was going to find himself a companion that embodies Eve, he would have never found it, because she wasn't to be found, but rather something that was given. For something that is made for you, specially crafted from who you are and for who you are, how can you ever find it? And this is why, you'll never "find" love. But, rather its given to you, and out of the two, you finding it and it finding you, it can only find you. But, even still, its not even found, just given when it is right. What a gift from God. And, now I am realizing, why people pray and search God, when desiring a life-companion. He has to give you your own Eve (not speakning gender-specific here, just in abstract terms). Thats why you'll never find it. To speak basically, no one with good self-esteem goes looking for compliments, at least authentic ones that is. They are all, always given.

What I Really Meant Was,

"Up and down, up and down go my emotions. Lol maybe I'm bi-polar. I dont know. Is this how love is? A little confusing, ever complicated? My posts are evidence to the fact that my emotions can go from angry to heads over heels in love, in one night. Now, I can explain and pin point WHY this happens, but HOW is still a mystery."


I really have to work on my communication skills! I wrote this some time in August, and reading it over again, I realize that I'm sending out a msg that really contradicts most of the things that I say on here... Lol as if anyone is reading it anyways... but, "here" is for me anyways.. so w.e... But, in this little paragraph, my words had meanings that I realize can only be really understood if I were to openly have a conversation about someone about these things. So, that being said, I'll do some editing right now. I meant to say how I feel.
"I feel love. I feel its warmth, its beauty, its comfort. I feel it in my heart, and deep in my being. I get angry sometimes, I'm really happy sometimes, I get hurt sometimes, and feel wonderful at others, but I am never cold, never ugly, and never lonley, because it doesn't leave. I don't think that love is an emotion. Emotions change, love is constant. Should be tested, but if its real, how can it waver? Confusion comes with emotions bombarding a mind. Truth and sureity come with reallness. And can love really be anything except for real? For if its not real, then can it really be love? I doubt it. Unless, its taken and broken, which is another patch of roses, all together. The work for us all, that we too often skip over, is determining the reality of the love that claim to feel so strongly. Its my first time being in love, but I'm learning as I go along. Learning about myself, learning about you, learning about human connections, learning about relationships, learning about love."

I may get hurt, and get angry, and show my emotion (as the person that I am cannot hold it in) but know that I love you, know that I am in love with you, and know that through my emotion, I am still loving you.

Its Time!

I am SO BORED OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I know, that I must be thankful, that I even HAVE life, and for that I am. But I have really grown out of this phase that I have been in for the past year. The, just-me-by-my-lonesome-being-a-homebody phase. I am so ready to network, to meet people, to make movements, to get out there. Not really to club though.. That clubbing thing isn't for me. A lounge, maybe, a nice low-key, chilled setting with jazz or neo-soul music, DEFINATELY, a club.. maybe not. I'm really itching to just get out there. I have made a mental note for the past few weeks while I have been focusing my mind on getting ready for school, I have been making mental notes to make the absolute MOST of my school year, keeping my priorities and my mind straight. But getting out there, doing things that I have never done, stepping out of my little comfort box, that I have so conviently made for myself. It is SO time for this.

Life sometimes gets boring.

Anything Is Possible.

Soo sometime in January, before the entire hype about the presidential bid earlier this year, I was searching around on Youtube for vids that could educate me on black in history and black in the present. I stumbled on this video, and within the first few minutes, there was this young man, with a huge afro, who said bluntly and plainly, " I want to be the president of the United States". And when I turned on the television that night, here this man was 25,20 years later, fighting to become the next president of the US. Today, he is the official Democratic Party Candidate for the presidential office. And with a opposition candidate, who believes in many of the same things as the president of the past 8 years, it looks like Obama is shaping up to be the next president, for real, for real. So as I'm watching his acceptance speech at the DNC, I'm drawn back to the night in January, when I first watched that " Oh Brother" episode that really must have been some time in the 70's. Obama becoming the next president of America is not only an indication that the Americans are working on putting their nasty habits, degradation, discrimination and past behind them. This also shows me that dreams are not "hopeless aspirations" as one song from the 90's said. Dreams are really one's passion wrapped up and packaged in goals and motivation. Barack went from the bottom straight to the top. And he is nothing less than an example of what a human being can accomplish if they truly believe in their dream, and themselves. Such an inspiration.




Yes, we all can.

So, just on a continuation of my post from early this morning, about the purpose of blogs? I think that this young poet has it here.


The more I read blogs, and the more I see how detailed people are about their daily life activities, and their life in general, I wonder why these people ( myself included) open up themselves to people across the globe, MANY of which they'll never meet. I'll be honest and say that my blog here is for me, and maybe the few individuals who know about. I started it, because I had things that I wanted to share, but I didn't necessarily have or know if I have that kind of rapport with the few people that I actually commune with.I don't know (or think) that anyone on this planet,other than those close ones of mine, actually come to this page. Somy little blogspot, was just a filler for the space that humans are supposed to fill. So what is one to do?

Somethin' Good For Your Soul

This is some goooood 'ish right here.

Sometimes, this blog thing doesn't work for me, because after a while, I always get tired of talking about myself. Every time I think about it, it remind me of Keyshia Cole and that reality show she had,where she would just talk about herself, and expose herself and her family to the world. After a while that gets sooo old to me. I even had to stop watching her show,because one person shouldn't be into themself THAT much. It's annoying. Lol Idon't know why I even have this sometimes. I am begining to wonder how I can become this defined person, without direct contact with other people? I mean, its just me talking. How exactly does that work? Learning is somewhat two-dimensional as their is a teacher and a student. In this learning process, where I think its beneficial for me to write down my life as it happens, who is the teacher and who is the student? I think that my boredom that Im feeling with life right now, is making me analyze everything that I spend my time doing. Im bored of it all.

Your Love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself.

"You are the best. You are the worst. You are average. Your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself. To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love. You must realize that hate is but a crime-ridden subdivision of love. You must reclaim what you never lost. You must take leave of your sanity, and yet be fully responsible for your actions.
" -Gnarls Barkley, in a letter to the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs

Reading this, gives me a clear understading of what I need to fully grasp my mind around while I'm on my quest to define what love is and what it will be to me. I can't really say that I've been in love before, so its definately not on my list of things that need to be redefined according to my own standards. But, "To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love" makes so much sense to me. And the fact that," your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself." Is something that, I guess unknowingly of this truth, tried to supress and destroy, by determining that a relationship was not something that I wanted to be in. By shutting myself off to all others who may in the future want to get in. The love that I have inside, as a human being cannot be supressed or destroyed, simply because it is too strong of an emotion to contain. I hate it when simple things such as this, have to be pointed out for observation, when its almost like common knowledge! I'll definately be taking this quote into serious thought and application to my life, over the next few days, weeks..hell, maybe even months.

Which reminds me, J and I talked about how I had been feeling for the past few days, and we managed to communicate. He hit on somethings that I needed to know about myself, which I'm always grateful for. He never used to want to do it, but its crucial for me to know things that are hinderances to our progression and success together, so I strive to let him know that I need for him to tell me these things. I guess communication really does work, because we managed to get over it, and we move on. I'm learning, I'm loving, I'm learning and loving.






Feeeeeeling this old school joing right heeereee! Definately feeling this way today....

This One Too..

How I Feel on August 19,2008

I just want to be loved, like everyone else does.

Nothing good, sensible, interesting to say, soooooo I won't say anything =) Or maybe I will... just later, if I feel like it.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Up and down, up and down go my emotions. Lol maybe I'm bi-polar. I dont know. Is this how love is? A little confusing, ever complicated? My posts are evidence to the fact that my emotions can go from angry to heads over heels in love, in one night. Now, I can explain and pin point WHY this happens, but HOW is still a mystery.


Today I added some more course to my 08-09 school schedule. It feels SOO good to be in my 2nd year of university and to be in my program(s). I'm just ONE step closer to becoming a CROWN attorney, one step closer to attaining allllll that I've been dreaming of, one step closer to my destiny. I am SO excited. Well excited and a little bit worried. I'm thinking that maybe my excitement for school to start will overshadow the crazy amount of work that I have to do. In order for me to get into law school after I get my bachelors, then I have to make sure that my average for the next three years is no less than a what, 4.0? Now, during my first year, I didn't work NEARLY as hard as I could have. I spent a majority of my year with J and all the new emotions that come with a new relationship. But I still managed to get higher than average in all of my classes, which definately surprised me. Despite the half-assed effort that I put in. So I can only imagine what I can accomplish with my newly established unlimited sense of determination and motivation. I also plan to join clubs, do some volunteer work, immerse and educate myself in the legal world. Really build my resume. Ahhh I can't wait! FINALLY after sooo many years, I'm really heading down the road that I have dreamed of since I was a child. I'm so excited. And to have a black man, who is aspiring to be MORE successful than me, wondahhhfuuulll:) School starts on the second week of september and all I really want is a wardrobe revamp. I'm looking to mature-up and add to my wardrobe. Have my style be a reflection of the person that I've grown to be. But alas, the funds to do so, are somewhat non-existent. Ahh well, c'est la vie. Of a student, at least. I'm off to bed. Goodnighttt

I'm Selfish. Mom was right. I am selfish. I've been selfish to J. My parental restrictions, are as I said, ridiculous despite my pending grown-assness. They are trying as HARD as they can to ensure that I stay on the straightandnarrow. Now while, that is extremely understandable and commendable and makes me grateful, extremes should be avoided. As with double-standards. I shouldn't have to feel friggin' trapped in my own damn house. Because my parents don't want me to end up pregnant or w/e. Instilling common sense, is like that proverb that says" give a man a fish he eats for a day. teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime". Instill the common sense, and I'll know how to live. But trying to shelter me, especially at my damn age? Reprehensible. And because of these restrictions, it places a strain on my union with him. If he wants to see me, I have to think of how I can get out of the house (Isn't that a trip?), or have to meet at in a well thought-out place to avoid confrontations, conflicts or issues with my parents. So my imprisonment stretches out and grasps him, because he can't be free with me the way we should be. No matter how much I feel as if I'm not important to him as I once was, or how much I love and want to love him, I cannot ignore the fact, that me holding on to him, and dragging him into my prison cell is not fair. I realized that if I truly want him to be happy and free, that this happiness and freedom might just not be experienced with me. I can't give him all that he wants and needs. Heartbreaking. The roll of the thunder that just sounded outside rolls in synch with hum drum, shallow saddened rhythm of my heart. I loveeeeee himmmmm.

Jill Scott is Ill.

I Just Want To Be Yours..

This song is beautiful.

"I think that one of the worst feelings, is to feel unimportant to someone who means a lot to you. Despite if they show it in their actions or their words, the pain is just as bad. Especially, if disconnecting yourself is not necessarily the easiest thing to do. I HATE the feeling of me being played. It doesn't even evoke any kind of emotion of sadness, just pure hatred. To play someone, you really have to be a master in the art of being FAKE. And faceitous people, really to me, almost don't exist. Simply because I don't know who they are, and they dont have the guts to show who they really are. For whatever reason people do it, its all the same. And I will always hate it. The best way to ostrasize someone."

I wrote this in an entry sometime in July. And its the best way to describe the way I feel right now. That post, and the Bitty Mclean song that I posted yesterday equals me right now. Its ahh. Sad is the only word that I can think to describe it as. No need for fancy smancy words to analyze my emotions that I'm feeling. Its just sad. I can feel myself shutting down and becoming distant, as I always do whenever I reach this point with a relationship that I have with someone ( family not included). Sad, because the love I feel hasn't really changed, the love I want to feel with him, hasn't gone away. All the things that I want to do with him, I still want to do. Its hard for me to try to let go, because when J and I started together, something told me that he would be nothing short of special. And beautiful. Special and beautiful. He managed to change my mind about me being in a relationship. I feel like I'm living in two different worlds. As if I'm two different girls! One girl, head over heels in love, anxious and excited to be consumed by all that this "love" thing has to offer. The other girl, feels like she's in a toxic, non-progressive union, hurting that she has to let go of another relationship and her first love. I haven't spoken to him about it, yet, but I know how J is. I already know how the conversation is going to go. Sad. I'll be listening to this "Walk Away From Love" song until I can't handle it anymore.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Its such an amazing feeling to find a song that can speak your emotions just as well as you can. It really leaves me without anything to say, because all that I have to say, is being put to melody and harmonies

I Love You

One day, J sang this song to me. Lol it was funny, charming and pleasing all at the same time. Ill never forget it. And even when we are fighting I still listen to it. He says that he feels that I don't show him that I love him. And I dont know how I can show him anymore than I try. My parental limits are still enforced despite my pending grown-assness, and I can't help but to be an obedient child. But none the less I do love him. 8 months for us today.

Its hard. Really hard. To stay on the straight and narrow. Today really wasn't a good day for me in this regard. The saying 'bad habits die hard' is truth. Especially when they are habits that are old. Old+Bad= Lethal Combination. So here I am tonight. Feeling slightly tired, with my bad habits nagging at me like some kind of nasty pest. Its a love/hate relationship that I have with this "habit". Its bittersweet just like Kanye said. I love you and hate you at the very same time. And the sad thing is, I really can't shake it. And if I were to say that I actually want to, might be more than a little white lie. Which within itself is spiritually dangerous. Maybe even spiritual suicide, as it indicates that a part of me, just doesn't want to let go, despite of its detriment to me.
So right now, I don't know what to do. Because I don't feel as if I can approach God right now, because repentance and regret are two different things. Not synonyms. Plus, this "habit" isn't something that I think I can let go of. Which, I must say that I hate because its killing me. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Randomness

FREEDOM. SWEEEEEEET FREEEEDOMMMMM. WHEN WILL YOU COMMEEEE??
Freedom for ME at this moment, minute, SECOND in my life is partly defined by my own means to mobility. AKA. Leaving and coming whenever the HELL I please. Like. ARGH. I hate having to wait to run an errand. Especially if I find it of high importance. Waiting for a car to drive, waiting for the BUS. I. HATE. IT. Drives me insaneeeeeee. I really cannot wait until the day that I can go and say, hmm, I would like to leave right now actually. And up and out the door I go. Ahhhh that will be the dayyyyyy!

In other news, I really have a true love affair budding between me and reggae music. My culture is one of the things that I am most thankful for. Even though someJamaicans are the most violent people in the world (literally) and I would NEVER in my life live on that island, the culure itself is beautiful. Which explains my love for reggae music. Such beautfiul music!!!



This calms me righhhhttt down makes me feel sooooooooo NICE. Its a soul pleaser and nostalgia of my childhood all wrapped up in one. The man who dances with me to this song, WILL be my husband. I will completely ignore the fact that I don't even know if I want that marriage thing, he will win my heart, being, soul, mind, body, life, name, house, cars, money and alllllllll of that. I remeber one time, I was at a house party. It was my ex-friends neighbour, who coicindentally went to our highschool. Now, despite the fact that her mom was up in arms because the host didnt have permission to have the party, as SOON as this song came on... I couldn't control my actions, my body started dancing, my mind knew I had to leave. It was a beautiful Catch 22.

Boreedddommm

This is what always happens to me when it nears the end of summer. I become bored with everything and nothing excites me. This is also what happens when you have no money. Speaking of which, I quit my non-income-giving job last monday. Saturday was my last day. I'm figuring that I might as well stop looking for mediocre jobs and start building my resume for law school. And it wouldn't hurt getting a good wage at the same time. I just don't know where to connect some networks. This is why I hate summer sometimes!

My entire outlook on everything is just changing. I read over some of my previous posts, and the way that I feel now about those same things are soooo different that my countenance now. From the way I feel about myself, my past, people I used to know, my attitude towards J...everything just...different. Hey, I am NOT complaining. It's about time they changed anyways.

So, J and I haven't been on the uppity of uppities, but this love that I am feeling is still so powerful. It just doesn't die. And the more that my being is engulfed into it, the more that I am urged to discover all the things that can be discovered with another person and in another person. I haven't seen in in more than a few weeks now, and my body is longing for him. To even just be beside me. Just the thought of me knowing that if I want to, I could touch him because he's there, is so comforting to me. And it always seems to solve our problems. Whenever we have issues, or we are fighting, whenever we get together the issues just disspate. Its a great feeling. I think that I will reach ultimate Utopia on the day that I close my eyes and fall asleep in his arms. I am experiencing such relaxing satisfying emotions right now. Its amazing. Having someone to love is a beautiful feeling.

Chrisette takes the words right out of my mouth right now

I Was Right!

So, a few posts ago, I was writting about that reality show in MTV, From G's To Gents, and how the appear to be SO fake. Well, my hunch was rooted in truth! So, on saturday night, my brother, his best friend, myself, and my cousin were watching ATL, the movie, and LOOOOOO and behold, up shows KESAN. Mind you, ATL came out more than a year before G's to Gents was even being promoted.

FAKEFAKEFAKEFAKEFAKEFAKE!!!!!!!!
Reality TV is just a sham!

Today Was A Good Day.

So, I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty good and pretty different. I don't know if that has to do with the fact that I realized that God has to be in my life or if my eyes were opened by humility, but either way my overall attitude is just different. The way I feel inside, is just...different. I really want to be on that road of change until I reach the destination of success. Im just doing things in various different ways, major and minor. Just jingling up the way I do things. Starting to live. Positively. Today is my girls birthday, she turned 19. She's a good friend. Lol we have so many laughs. Have been throughhh some issshhhh and always sit down together and look at the way life has shown itself to be. I love her! And her style is soooooo crazy. I envy her behind doors, because flashy, classic, cooool style is just natural to her. Cool GIRL!

But, I'm not sure if I'll be staying for long, theres some planning that I want to do.. relative to what my last post was about. But I'm starting to get to the point where I'm cool with being with only me. I say that to mean that I don't need to make sure that me and someone are on good terms in order for me to do things, even as simple as enjoying my day. It's weird to feel this way, and even more so to notice it, because being on good terms with someone was ALWAYS a priority. If me and J were having an issue, say I felt like he didn't want to talk to me, or was just acting in a manner that annoyed me, there is no way that I could brush it off. It HAD to be dealt with at that moment in time, often leading to a fight.

Now, I'm not sure if I care. I have somewhere to go, someone to be, and harboring any kind of negativity, despite the VARIOUS ways that it shows up, is not some thing that I need to do. I need to make sure that I know at allllll times what needs my focus and what does not. I can't wait around anymore for people to determine that I'm worthy enough to be in their life.
**EDIT: Wrong words used! Its not that I don't care when J and I have an issue. I lied. I do care, everytime. It's rather that I don't let it get to the point where I can't function and that I'm soo upset, or sad, or depressed that I can't do anything until the situation is solved. I went to tooo far off an extreme by saying that I don't care. It's not that I don't care, its just that I won't let it make me go insane. Literally. I could'nt mean it when I say that I love him, but yet not care at all, or as I had worded, not know if I care to try to work things out or deal with those issues just because I have a destiny to fulfill. Thats not reality. That they want to dedicate themselves as much as I have, or shown that I potentially can, towards them. Since I wrote the post a last month, about me finding my value and my worth once again, this intrinsic confidence has risen up within me, that basically, has led me to realize that I do deserve to have the best. I don't want, need or deserve mediocracy from people, so I really don't care to have it. I'm just going to go on doing and living ME. And looking back over the past few weeks, the past few months, the past few years, my GOODNESS! There have been SO many things, that I poured myself into. Like water in a rainstorm, poured. Things completely undeserving. Cost me some friends, who I let go in my immaturity. Man, I wish I could just apologize, wholeheartedly. I won't make those mistakes again.

Thinking about it, I do know why I feel so good. One Source that cannot go unrecognized or unacknowledged. The touch that God can give you, when you try to connect with him or even just reach out, should never be under-estimated. My relationship with Him is going to have to be something that I have an entry about next.


P.s. I REALLY love the colour purple. Not talking about the movie here, though. :)

Revelational Thoughts

So, its been a little while since I last wrote. Since I last wrote I've gone on a little vacation (:D sooo relaxing), spent a good amount of time with myself, with my mind, my family and experiencing some {much needed} revelations. I spent some timem thinking about whether or not I really needed to have a blog, because I really don't even think that theres anyone reading it, and that if I need to put my life literally in front of my eyes, so that I can get a complete grasp on where my life needs to go, then thats fine. But I don't need to do that in in front of people that I don't know. I'm not really a fan of airing out my business, like I see most blogs do. Which is another reason why I didn't bother writing on here for so long. So, I guess I'm going to stop airing myself out the way I do, and speak in mainly ambigous terms, or maybe one day, I just might stop writing on here all together and just do daily entries on my computer, save them in my documents.

So, that being said, I've realized that I need to make sure at all times, that I keep myself in check with reality. Its so easy to become disillusion when you're figuring out who you are as a person and defining the relationships that you have with other people. I realized something great the other day. I was having a really bad day at work, the only hostess working, and I just couldn't do anything right. And right in the middle of this "do-nothing-right" day, I realized that this great person that I think that I am becoming, is completely non- existent without God. I've been living my life for the past little while, thinking that I could get on and get on WELL without the instruction, wisdom, guidance and interference of God. It's NOT working. My mom was essentially right when she said that I was heading down the path of destruction. She just didn't say it, in a way that could hit me in my face. They say that God helps those who help themselves. But the key part of that saying is GOD HELPS. There is a verse in the book of Proverbs that says essentially, "the ways unto man are death, but the instruction of the Lord is eternal life" I think it is. But, the part that I'm really starting to understand, is that the ways unto man are DEATH. I can't do this "life" thing alone. So from now on, I'm not going to. I know the person that I need, want, desire and aspire to be and I can't be that without God. So, I'm going to have to get myself into the mindset, that God is my be all and end all, and that its not just saying. It's truth that I need to live my life after. So that means, whatever poses a threat to this, needs to go. Because in my mentality, whenever I set out a goal, and I don't accomplish it, no matter what it is, then I am NOTHING MORE than a failure. No matter what it is. So the goal that I've set for myself to be as a person, if that goal is not met then I've failed myself GREATLY. And I don't know how I could EVER live with that, because I couldn't. And if I need God to be thing person, then whoever/ whatever poses themselves as a threat, is reversely posing a threat to their well-being, because I wont take that lightly or sitting down.

So it was as I has this revelation that I recieved deeper one, pertaining to the person that I currently am. And since I started to think that I am this great person, I became ignorant of this ugly person that I have within me. It's always whenever I became disconnected with reality, that I just morph into this ugly person. J brought it to my attention that I only complain about him. Which at the time, I said wasn't true and that its only because I can't handle people trying to walk all over me. Which is true, but only to a certain point and in a different sense. I do complain about a lot of stuff, that especially have to do with him. I forgot how completely self-less he has been towards me, even with small things. I've been so concentrated on having a relationship that equates to nothing less that perfection, that I've become to focused on his faults, and not focused enough on the things that I love about him. I am in a very repentant state regarding to this. Because I've treated him so badly, all because I've been so hung up on having perfection. I wish there were words that show greater emotion and repentance, that I'm sorry or I apologize. When I feel these ways, those words just don't cut it for me. I don't know how I could show him my regret and my appreciation. I don't even know if I have the time.

The thought that he presented to me revealed something else to me, that I have made clearly obvious on here. In me thinking that I'm grown, I've just over-exaggerated everything. My issues with J, most specifically. We are both 18, barely even started on our way to adulthood and life in general. Things are NOT that serious for us. We do strive to develop a relationship with each other and be committed. But there is a definite and obvious danger in taking things tooo serious. Which is what I have done, there is nothing wrong with with showing your emotions. But being too extra, is not necessary. I need to learn how to become a person who has the immeadiate reaction to assess the level of emotional reaction that is needed. I am so embarrased of those entries, because if J were to read it, I would be hurt to know that I said those things about him. Communication is key. All needed to do was communicate. We were talking to each other, not communicating. I only wish that I have enough time to do that with him.

Daily, I continue to grow and learn. Learn and grow. I am trying to take things slow. Because learnin is not as quick as a finger-snap. Which is what I'm learning about life. Learning and changing, not finger-snap quick at all. All that said, my heart is with J. A person that I'm growing to love, who is showing me in this relationship who I am, where I need to go, how I can grow, and what needs to change. And just the fact, that he is helping me learn what love and a relationship is, and how to love, blows my mind. I never thought that this would be happening to me!

If I Only Things Could Be, They Way They Should Be

I have a video that I want to put on here, but it just doesn't seem to be working for me. I REALLY want to put on Maxwells' This Womans Work, because its explains all that I could want to say, all that I've wanted to say for the past 15 hours of my life. All the words that I should be told. Emotions that I feel should be aimed towards me, based on the most recent predicament that I found myself in. Instead, I face unadulterated apathy. Disregard. Unapologetic. Unregrettable. I can't even withdraw enough emotion to be mad. I'm just tired now. I'm going to have to try it from my other computer, because I need to put the video on here.



Side note: I'm watchingMTV right now, and all these rich, spoiled, shallow kid reality shows are becoming a LITTLE bit much. How much of the same groups in different locations do they thing that thegenereal public can really handle? I won't lie, back in highschool days, Laguna Beach and The Hills was a MUST on I think Monday nights? But now, they have FOUR of the same shows INCLUDING a show from the UK. Enough is enough!

Rain on Me

For a little while now, things have just not been on the up and up...I can't say that its driving me crazy, its not evoking those kind of emotions. Its frustrating to say the least. They say that when it rains, it pours. So true, so true. But, I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

Daily Random:

<-- Me ..one day

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a style icon. Alwayssss. I think about it all the time. Now of course, the main thing blocking me is that I just don't have the money to do it. I find myself sometimes going on style.com or the Chanel website or watching fashion television. I hope one day I can fulfill my dreams of becoming a fashionista in my own little world... One day, one day..

Its not what you know.. Its who you know.

I am currently working at my 3rd job since summer of 2006. So far, I have hated all three of them. The one that I working at right now, is a restaurant without very much regard for their employees. No ending time for your shift is EVER guaranteed. For example, yesterday I started at 5:30 and finished at 7:26. Less than two hours. How can anyone expect to make a significant income off an unsure/unsteady paycheck? You could come in 5 times a week and yet work only 10 hours. So, me being me, I'm back on the block looking for a job. The biggest thing that I hate about searching and getting a job, is that the most important thing is not what you have done or better yet, what you can do, its who you know, that can get you in. : . Drives me crazy. I can spend counteless hours serarching for jobs on the internet, handing out resumes, calling possible employers, when I could spend a 10th of that time getting a job by simply talking to a connection or acquaintance. Now that would all work in my favour, IF I had these connections/ acquaintances. I always wonder why I never have any, and I start to think that its because I'm lazy. *He* has all these cards in his wallet of Real Estate Reps, that he knows from all over the place. Some how, he manages to network even in a bookstore (real story). But yet, I can't manage to get myself out there. Maybe that should be my second new goal for this year, to make sure that I get out there, probably by myself, and network . I really have to do that. And soon. Right now, I'm not trying to continue to do jobs that are not adding to my crudentials (?) for the future that I have planned for myself. Working at a restaurant, working in a grocery store, is not going to do that for me.

Lol Reality shows these days are a joke. So Im downstairs in the basement, watching tv. And I catch a new one today. SOOO MTV, has "From G's To Gents" hosted by Fonsworth Bentley. Now, don't get it twisted, I think that Fonsworth is kind of cool. His attitude, style, and just demeanor is .. cool. But these "G's" look SO fake that it is actually humorous. And thats coming from someone who grew up in a predominant white neighbourhood in a suburb in Ontario. And to ME they look so fake. Lol fake accents, fake "gangter/ghetto" attitudes, fake bling, kaje swagger and probably a fake drunk that I'm seeing slurr-ly talking right now. Is this is what modern- day entertainment really is? Transforming no- mannered people into men that can talk properly? And I know I'm being a hypocrite right now, because I'll probably watch this, until I get sick of it. Unless I find it funny, then I'll probably never stop watching it.
Ahhh entertainment today so perculiar! Lol so full of NOTHING, but yet people can't stop watching them. I'm tired... It's been a tiring few days. Bed time for me!

Maturity is inevitable..

Sometimes there are somethings, that altough they are well known, its as if, despite how much people say it, and throw it around, it will remain foreign to people until they have to deal with. I think one of these things for me, is that maturity = keeping my mouth closed. <-- for more than one reason. Right now, keeping my mouth closed means not complaining. I think that complaining must be an internal, natural human characteristic. Because despite as much I don't even want to acknowledge my emotions right now, they are pressing me to share the cause of their presence with other people. Now, in the past I 've been guilty about not giving *him the credit that he deserves. Instead, I choose to tell my confidantes things that he had done to irk my nerves. Now, although, right now, I have a good reason to be upset. A REALLY good reason, I'm beggining to think that I'm too old for the bagging-someone else/ complaining thing. I'm just not feeling it anymore.

Emotion and Logic Should be like Oil and Water

I have a new goal. Inspired from emotional outburts that I have had, emotional rants, and emotions wasted, I 'm going to train myself to control my emotions and keep them seperate from reality and disable them from affecting my logic and rationale. I need to learn how to keep my emotions under control and display them only when necessary. For you see, right now I'm upset. Its a horrible emotional mixture of being very worried , very angry, and very let down. Its a toxic mix, that leaves you unable to focus on one emotion. Also leaves your insides confused. The three emotions are almost polar opposites. My rational voice is fighting to get through. And its strugging to say the least. Trying to tell me to calm down, to focus on other things, and ignore the situation. But its easier said than done.
I was also thinking about the "discussion" that I had with my mom, and realized that my emotions were out of control. I couldn't keep a level head. I think this aspiration should be one of my top personal goals for 2008. This is something that I REALLY need to work on. Lower my sensitivity and know how to keep my emotions under control, without having to do erratic or eccentric activities to do so. Just having the bare mind power to do it. Or not even that much work. Just me having the internal instinct to do it.

Relevational Thoughts

The other day, I had a massssiveee fight with my mom. Probably the biggest that I can remember. Ever. Now even though I was mad with her approach, and the main thing that she was approaching me with, she opened my eyes none the less. Opened my eyes to realize that I had been playing myself for way too long. Again. Accepting and embracing way less than what I am worth. Now something that I never want to be labeled as is conceited. Mainly because I hate conceited people. And would hate to be one of them. BUT, that being said, I know what I'm worth. At least, I remember now. The goals that I have for myself. The vision that I have of the person that I should be in 5,10,15 years. The person that I aspire to be both personally and professionally. The goals that I have accomplished thus far. The things that I desire to accomplish (which exede the limitations of only the professional world) as a person living in this world. Are amazing. I've played myself. I personally believe that it worse to play your OWN self, to decieve your OWN self, than to have others do it to you. If a significant other plays or decieves you, then at least, you can walk away, leaving that person for ever. Now, essentially, you could leave a part of yourself behind in the same manner. Leaving the toxic part that enabled you to deceive yourself, is easier said than done. Internal changes are for the most part, much harder than external ones. You know, a few weeks ago at church, a visiting minister said that "the worst thing about deception is deception. Because you don't even know that you are being/ have been deceived." And that is probably the most truthful, most real statement that I've heard of 2008. I allowed myself to be deceived by an image and feelings and a "truth" that was completely fabricated. And in doing that, I forget my VALUE! You know there are things that every girl can do. But not every girl is of worth. Not every girl has aspirations of nothing less than success on her own terms. Not every girl has dreams that are holistic to her own being. Appealing to not only her a professional and financial success, but also an internal, perspnal success and ultimate satisfaction. I forgot to remind myself that I am not every girl. Although I allowed myself to be treated like on, I simply am not. The idea of me being like every single other girl went out of the window as soon as I decided, that the personI was to be right now and the person I am to be in the future, would not be just an ordinary person, who had ordinary goals, and was satisfied with ordinary satisfaction, on any level. Allowing myself to be treated by as if I'm any old girl, was a betrayal to my value. I 've been settling for treatment, and relationships and people that I shouldn't be dealing with. Period. I 'm too good for that.

I need to teach myself when to fight and when to digress. The thought of this, is like an art to me. Especially, being an aggressive, for lack of better words, person. Knowing the exact moment when to attack. And knowing when it really isn't worth it. I look at my last few {angry} posts, and I realize that I struggle with developing that ability. I think about the arguments that I have with people, I need to unwind myself and stop being so (a) confrontational and (b) defensive all the time. Lol, this ability seems to be an art to me also. I'll learn.

Thank goodness, for those people who can give you illuminating information on aspects that you would otherwise never think of, or know. In my "rage", I managed to realize that I needed to seriously think things through. So I texted the only guy friend that I knew that could help me out to penetrate the male psyche. And that he did. He gave me some outlooks that I had never thought of, pertaining to my situation, which helped me to open my eyes. Its great to have those kind of people around. My aunt serves the same purpose also. Shows me different perspectives that I'm going to have to take into account as an adult and mature being. So that I can in turn understand and comprehend the actions, beliefs, mannerisms and behaviour of other adults, most specifically speaking my parents.

I guess I have to apologize to myself, for forsaking my rational thought before divulging into an unsatiable appetite for anger and discontentment. But then again, I'm human, and even more so, I'm NOT a male. Therefore, I function in a total different and foreign way. I guess the "giving up" quote got the better hold of me. I just hope that when I go to talk to my significant one, that he actually opens up to me, talks to be, and tries to help me to be with him, in the best way possible. As opposed to just being evasive and ignoring what I'm saying, because I have a feeling that I'll end up right back in the emotional state of the last two posts.

Its time to start praying to God for wisdom.

Thank you JH!

I'll never understand how one person can let you down so much. Disappoint you to no end. I digress.

Continued..

My frustration knows no end. Despite me saying, I'm past the "trying so hard" phase, I once again streched out my hand to work towards a solution. Put my anger aside. Admitted AND apologized for my downfalls. Yet LESS that 24 hours later, I'm right back in the same position that I was in this morning. Its ridiculous. It really is. So, these past few days, have been an eye opener for me. Its time. Things are done. I'm not stupid and I'm not oblivious. After awhile motives become clear, and his are like crystal. I can clearly see that he just wants an easy way out. He does not care to change or stop, neither does he DESIRE to care to change or stop, the actions that he does that I have TOLD him hurt me, disappoint me, or just flat out piss me the hell off. I cannot imagine how many times I have sat and tried relentlessly to defend myself against, most especially and reoccuring, a puppy love relationship that ended OVER TWO YEARS AGO. MEANWHILE, my own insecurities about the 2.5 year+ relationship that HE had are easily ignored. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just leaving. There is no one on this planet that deserves the position in my life to impose such mental and emotional torture on me. It's not fair. And I have a passionate hatred for inequality, especially when its being presented against me. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not some stupid trick, who can't see things for what they are. Although, as I have admitted, I do tend to have my self-enforced delusions, I am NOT oblivious to see when I am no longer wanted, needed, or desired. I've been in this position before with an ex-friend. And I left. After 6 years of the most unique friendship that I have ever had. I left. I'm not taking it anymore.

PIssed the HELL OFF. That this is the ONLY solution that is being enforced. I'm 18 years old. And although the principle of the situation. The amount of elapsed time that we have been together is to small that its a failure within itself. I can't help but shake my head really. And as soon as I do that, disappointment tears flood my eyes.

I hate feeling like a quitter. As if I'm walking out on something/someone. Relationships whether love or platonic, are work. Pastor always says, you will get out what you put in. But, MUTUAL work is the key thing to notice. They require mutual input, mutual effort, mutual desire. While one says that “Walking away doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter, it means that you are intelligent enough to know when to quit.” While another says "Relationships take a lot of work and the reason why so many fail, is because people give up. It's really easy to give up. Too easy". They both appeal to my conscience. Even though I am so upset, the fact that both of these polar philosophies BOTH appeal to me, means something within itself.


So pissed off. Theres nothing left to say.

I am so frustrated right now, that I can barely function to speak. I will never understand how ONE person can drag you through such a roller coaster of emotion. From my last post until now, I've been from loving him, and wanting to give all my love to him, to coming the conclusion that my time here, our time here, is just about over. Never in my life will I understand people who choose to act like this. I can't even say " I'm trying so hard" because I'm way past that stage. Right now, I'm just tired, of trying to make it work with someone that REALLY doesn't care. It's really NOT that hard to notice an apathetic attitude when someone has one. Maybe he's just immature, and I'm really just seeing it now. Trying to put me on illegitmate guilt trips do not work. I completely take responsibility and accept my imperfections. But that being said, every single person on this planet should do the same, seeing as to how they are exactly in the same position as me. I'm sick of the guilt trips. " You don't want to talk to me", "You've changed." " You don't care about me anymore". I've spent so much time and energy trying to defend myself against this ONE person, for all these illegitimate claims, I'm telling you I'm livid. Tears are forced out of my eyes burning with complete and pure frustration.

I wanted something real. I wanted something that I could have, hold and cherish. I wanted something to call mine. Something made for me. I'm so disappointed. I've never been this disappointed. And if I have, ever in my life, felt this way, I clearly DON'T remember so it really doesn't compare. This is why I hold on. I want something real. A mature relationship, thats a pleasure and a treasure, that belongs to only me and that person. There is only so far that I can go. There is only so much emotion that I can give. I'm tired now. It would be a different situation, if we were BOTH working towards a solution. But, when I'm the only person that's willing to see things and call them out as they are, then the clock runs out even faster.

My frustration comes from my imminent disappointment. Why can't I just have ONE person, why can't I just have ONE damn person, ONE damn relationship that I can treasure? A lonely life is a painful one.

Truth Is

Truth be told, I miss his touch, I miss his love, I miss his arms, his warmth, his embrace, his presence. I miss being able to close my eyes, lose my body and just drift off, in his arms. Softness became such a comforter to me, either comforting my stress, my pain, my anger, or just being a covering to me, concealing emotions of love and passion and desire. I long for this. I long for him. I struggle to keep my mind in a well state, so that I can identify fradulence in emotion, but I long to lose myself in this world that is transparent to all, but my eyes, my being, my spirit, my heart. I long for this. I long for him. Connecting to each other, in our own special way, uniquely created for us, maintained by us. Dynamics known to only us, dynamics explored only by us. I Long for this. I miss him.

Maybe I am in love.

It Pains Me

So its been some time. I'm happy because I've finished my first year of university. After 10 months of grueling labour I can finally put down my pens, paper and leave microsoft word alone for the next 90+ days. Wont have that much of a summer since I'll be working 2 jobs to save for school. The captivity of university never ends I guess. since june 11, the main thing (aside from school) thats been on my priority list is my establishment with my significant other. For now, i'll choose to call it "establishment" because we don't have all the qualifications (in my opinion) to deem ourselves as being in a "relationship", at least right now. My thoughts at this moment are somewhat a branch-off of my last post, in regards to me leaving myself merciless to someone else. Its been 2 weeks and we have yet to have a decent, successful conversation on the phone that lasts longer than 5-10 minutes, for the most part that is. Maybe there was one or two calls in which we actually managed to speak to each other, with out one of us (99.9% -100% of the time being me) getting fed up with the blatant avoidance and evasiveness that i'm being presented. What is it that I'm trying to say? Basically (in a nut shell) my phone will ring. It will be him. I'll answer the phone, and he'll say, something that immediately presents the end of a conversation. Like a statement, where "i'll call you back" or "bye" are immient (sp?) to follow. Such as " oh, you're busy" *when CONSTANT and AGGRESSIVE assurance is given that i'm not* or "oh, you're sleeping" *when in fact I'm more than willing to make the sacrifice of an hour or two of sleep to spend time with the person that i care most about*. After a while, the same old routines get old, and even for the most disconnected person, motives become obvious.

So here I am, in this "establishment" feeling like there is no point for continuance. He feels like I don't want to be here. I feel like I dont know him and I'm more of a jump-off. But yet, I can't bring myself to let go. (stereo) Typical of a girl. I don't want to. and here is where the "merciless" issue comes into play. I question if i've lost myself or not because I was thought that waiting for someone else to up and drop, DESPITE the signs that I saw, was the worst and last thing for me to do. That they make the decisions. They call the shots on how much they get to use, abuse and kick me around, until its decided that enough is enough. I think that I've spent the past few months in a state of delusional delusion. That is to say, I've been delusional and blind to my own delusion and ignorance. Despite how much I said that I was and have been, I haven't been real with myself. Real with the reality of the relationships/ establishments that I am in. Especially with him. The reality is, things aren't that great for me to hold on for dear life. It hasn't been that long, there haven't been that many investments (from both parties), we aren't that deep in each other. Love is lost, love is gone. Drake said it best. I ignored my instincts when they told me that I was just his replacement girl, when he came out of his 2+ year relationship. Red flag painted transparent by my own desires. You know the more I think about it, I really havent' been that truthful to myself. I thought that I wasn't in this relationship for my own personal retribution and reassurance, that indeed someone can "love" and "want" me. After all I've been through with "friends" in the past, this kind of reassurance is probably the thing that I needed the most. But, what was the point in that? I'm in the same spot that I was in with them. Getting hurt, being wounded, and just brushing it off. For what reason? Because thats what you do in relationships? Take the pain and keep moving? How the hell would I know? It's only been my real first.

For the past year prior to getting into this establishment in December 07, the thought of ME being in a relationship truly disgusted me. Being tied down, being restricted from doing whatever I wanted to do (even as small as flirting how I wanted to). I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to manage in these kind of relationships. But how else would you know how to manage, unless you learned as you went along?

You know, despite my belief that part of me MAY be (not necessarily IS) in this establishment for my own reassurance, I know at least, that he was really cared for by me. My continuing connection to HIM (I continually questioned his), was based on the fact that I cared for him a lot. So much at times, I felt that I was actually going to explode. A feeling that supercedes any kind of pleasure but almost hurts at the same time. I was falling/fell in love. For the first time. And the fact of the matter is, it felt good to love someone. To want to give love to someone, to pour out love on someone, to devote my love to someone. Pleasured me just as much. Painfully enough, my euphoria never lasted for long, as my mind seems to be my enemy, reminding me that I always need to be on my best to remain in this competition that I feel like im in with his past.

I want it to work so badly. Funny how I've changed so much in the past year. To hating the thought of being in a relationship to having a burning to desire for this one to work. Just to work. For me to have that indescribable connection with someone. I could have sworn that its him. Am I in love? (Lol i sound so gay) or am I just attached? How do you differentiate the two?

Either way, it hurts. Tears fall, my heart breaks. Love or attachment, it still hurts.

Selling MYSELF.

So, not even that much later than the post about musical "sell outs", I started to analyze myself, and question whether or not I am a sell out. So, the situation that occured (well today at least), was that, my friend asked me to basically spy on friend of mine, which is not really theirs anymore. From the jump off, the whole situation just did not sit well with me. I felt like a traitor, to the ex-friends trust. But yet i did it. Did it, so that i could make the other person happy? does ignoring my conscience, to make some one else happy, or refrained from being unhappy, make me a sell out? ignoring what i know is right, just for the sake of someone else? i think i did. intresting though, not the first time i've been in this situation, these guilty feelings are nothing new. did all throughout highschool. its funny. you think that you have gone and grown so far, only to be reminded in the simplest way, that you aren't as far as you thought. I can't do that ish anymore. Really, I'm too good to sell out so easily. Low self-confidence, will make you do some stupid things. Its always important to be REAL with yourself. See you for you. Not who you think you should be.

In other news...

I think that one of the worst feelings, is to feel unimportant to someone who means a lot to you. Despite if they show it in their actions or their words, the pain is just as bad. Especially, if disconnecting yourself is not necessarily the easiest thing to do. I HATE the feeling of me being played. It doesn't even evoke any kind of emotion of sadness, just pure hatred. To play someone, you really have to be a master in the art of being FAKE. And faceitous people, really to me, almost don't exist. Simply because I don't know who they are, and they dont have the guts to show who they really are. For whatever reason people do it, its all the same. And I will always hate it. The best way to ostrasize someone.

another thing.. i hate feeling vulnerable to people. as if i'm leaving myself merciless to you. but really, in most relationships, isn't hat what giving yourself is all about? when you trust someone with yourself, aren't you leaving yourself merciless, hoping that they don't hurt you? what a risk to take. the deciding factor between, whether you are going to really interact and develop relationships with people or whether you really are just going to stay out in a cave. if you don't want to be merciless, trust someone else with yourself, then you can't give yourself, if you do, then you give you self to them, leaving yourself at their dispension. thats probably the hardest thing to do after you;ve been backstabbed, lied to, cheated, hurt, manipulated. to get yourself to the point where you can final be at peace with whats happenED, and come to give yourself again. But if you find yourself inthe same position AGAIN. then, who is to blame? you, or the people that YOU know and attract. So many times, i've been tempted to just become a narcissist. self-centered, self-motivated, narcissist. but my conscience would NEVER let me live it down. so, i left myself merciless again. after MUCH debating, thinking and pondering. but, im starting to wonder if that hurt has come back again. I just might never know. because this person, is the MASTER of evasion. In all possible slickness and effortless, can pass through a fine tooth comb if they wanted to. but, my connection to this person *(which essentially, is my main motivator to be merciless and self-giving to this person) makes me wonder, is it based on authenticity or just desire?

sell outs?

So today I discovered some new music. I absolutely LOVE it, when I find an artist who's new or old, that I have never heard before.. and fall in love with their music. A few months ago, it was Janelle Monae... today, It was Chrisette Michelle. Interesting that I stumbled upon her music today, specifically the song, Golden, which I havent stopped listening to since this morning. Interesting today, at today is the hallmark of 6 months for me and the loved one.Not a long time, but still important to ME. So I'm sitting there in my room, listening to this song, and her incredibly unique voice and the beautiful content of her music. and i'm like. wtf happened to music?! Seriously. I'm not even 20 yet, and in my lifetime, i've seen "music" in its talent, artistry, its beauty, its realness, its creativity go from incredible high heights to shallow pits of nothing. Really. WTF is t-pain famous for? not only does he lack SERIOUS talent. but honestly now folks, the mans voice on ALL of his songs, is COMPUTER. GENERATED. I was in my room last night, listening to the GREAT Anita Baker. The womans voice REEKS of pure God given talent, creativity and SOUL.

Every where you turn, more spefically speaking on Hip-Hop, and R&B, it seems that these black artists have sold the "soul" that maintained the same music genre of their predecessors. Really, after ALLLLL that the black community on a global scale has been through, after all the black community IS, is this ALL we have to talk about? the whole ''mainstream'' black music just looks like a sell out picture. should i realy have to search, for some unsigned artist or some highly slept-on artists?

Last week, I was watching on youtube the debate that was on BET, america vs. hip hop. And nelly and T.i. kept maintaining, that All hip hop is, is really a reflection of society. A mirror. Which at the same time, is genuinely true and BS at the same time. Once upon a time, that WAS what music was all about. Really, it wasnt about the beat. it was the unmistakeable passion, that was in the voice of the ARTISTS. which only someone who is actually hearing impaired would not be able to recognize. Now, as I said, im not even 20 yet, so when hip hop and soul music was live in its hay-day, i wasn't around. but really, how has the content of these black artists become so full of NOTHINGNESS. When did BLACK PEOPLE, become so full of nothingness. AHH Where is our CULTURE? WHERE IS OUR BEAUTY? I really shouldn't have to look allllll the way back, to Malcolm or Marcus to search for a real black leader to epitomize. Why aren't there any HERE. Yeah, ok. We have Oprah. IMHO, all Oprah really embodies, is that a black woman can succeed at attaining America's one and only purpose. She can get that money. Don't get it twisted, home girl, has done a LOT for where she came from. Impovrished and molested, Ol girl has come a MIGHTY LONG WAY... but where are the leaders who don't NEED the wealth to be prominent? Are there even any? And goodness forbid that I should even try to search for one, in my OWN land.. In the GREAT Canada. Its way past time, to overthrow the man, and get our acts together. Black people act like they are still in slavery. Except, now massah's not selling them, they are selling themselves. Instead of selling their bodies, black men have sold their minds. and black women, you know, those niceeeeee boooty shakin' women? Slaves to their OWN damn bodies. Thinking, they are irrelevant if their backside, isn't nice and plump..if those thighs arent sexy enough, and FORBID that their weave's aren't on point?! : Selling the greatness of their being, that Marcus Garvey died preaching about, for some nice CASH'N'ASS. comeon black people. we are better than that.

Is this the society that Nelly was talking about? Because if it is. Then black people will become extinct. If are society, is really that full of nothingness, then black people are bound to virtually disappear into thin air. vanish. gone. And if society is really that bad, Mr. Nelly, then why are you glorifying it? Bahh. Their music isn't no damn mirror. Tip Drill vs. Brenda's Got a Baby... Bartender vs. Redemption Song... Still Tippin vs. Changes. which one is the REAL reflection. From the top to the bottom, black people need to be the black people that we USED to be. back when we gave a damn about each other. and stop sellin' out to the white man, just because he wants us to. after all of these years, slavery hasn't gone anywhere.. massah's still here, but our discontent, has turned into willingness.

Maybe we SHOULD head back to the motherland. i'm ALL for it. This really ISN`T our land. But HEY, it isnt the white mans either. But that's another topic..for another day.

the first..

Well.. my very first blog. Interesting, how you imagine certain situations, and imagining what you would say or do, if ever placed in that situation. Then when it happens, all of that just disappears. I say that because, I had always imagined what I would say in my first blog, and now I'm speechless.
Well I'll start off by saying that, the purpose of this blog, is for me to basically unfurl (if thats even a word) my mind. Talk about everything that my young mind cares to think about. I'm a young girl, looking to search for some redefinitions. In the past few months, I've come to realize, that If I had to do, theres a lot of stuff that I could not define, If I had to. Hence, my blog title. girl undefined. Not only because I search to define terms of which I THOUGHT I knew, but also because, I can't think of anything of which I would want to define myself as. I hate restricting myself. So I didn't...

What do people say on their first post? Lol what is there to say?
Its like a formal introduction when you meet someone for the first time. You can't just be like. Well.. my name is. and this is all thats going on in my life. :) ... you take your timeeee.. work into it. So thats what I'll do... still unsure, if a formal intro will be given. hi my name is. i am years old. i live with my and my and my and my . i go to school at. i go to church at. --> way to formal.
I want my blog to be a reflection of my mind, and my mind is DEFINATELY not that "neat". i guess all those details will come in sooner or later.

well, i guess post number one is done. for now. lol

BTW,i couldn't help but sharing the fact that Anita Baker' fifth album, Rhythm of Love is sensational. If you haven`t heard it, you NEED to. classical.

BTWx2.. i'll jus let it be known from now, that I'm quite random. and double daily posts, should be common.

I'll be back soon.