It Pains Me

So its been some time. I'm happy because I've finished my first year of university. After 10 months of grueling labour I can finally put down my pens, paper and leave microsoft word alone for the next 90+ days. Wont have that much of a summer since I'll be working 2 jobs to save for school. The captivity of university never ends I guess. since june 11, the main thing (aside from school) thats been on my priority list is my establishment with my significant other. For now, i'll choose to call it "establishment" because we don't have all the qualifications (in my opinion) to deem ourselves as being in a "relationship", at least right now. My thoughts at this moment are somewhat a branch-off of my last post, in regards to me leaving myself merciless to someone else. Its been 2 weeks and we have yet to have a decent, successful conversation on the phone that lasts longer than 5-10 minutes, for the most part that is. Maybe there was one or two calls in which we actually managed to speak to each other, with out one of us (99.9% -100% of the time being me) getting fed up with the blatant avoidance and evasiveness that i'm being presented. What is it that I'm trying to say? Basically (in a nut shell) my phone will ring. It will be him. I'll answer the phone, and he'll say, something that immediately presents the end of a conversation. Like a statement, where "i'll call you back" or "bye" are immient (sp?) to follow. Such as " oh, you're busy" *when CONSTANT and AGGRESSIVE assurance is given that i'm not* or "oh, you're sleeping" *when in fact I'm more than willing to make the sacrifice of an hour or two of sleep to spend time with the person that i care most about*. After a while, the same old routines get old, and even for the most disconnected person, motives become obvious.

So here I am, in this "establishment" feeling like there is no point for continuance. He feels like I don't want to be here. I feel like I dont know him and I'm more of a jump-off. But yet, I can't bring myself to let go. (stereo) Typical of a girl. I don't want to. and here is where the "merciless" issue comes into play. I question if i've lost myself or not because I was thought that waiting for someone else to up and drop, DESPITE the signs that I saw, was the worst and last thing for me to do. That they make the decisions. They call the shots on how much they get to use, abuse and kick me around, until its decided that enough is enough. I think that I've spent the past few months in a state of delusional delusion. That is to say, I've been delusional and blind to my own delusion and ignorance. Despite how much I said that I was and have been, I haven't been real with myself. Real with the reality of the relationships/ establishments that I am in. Especially with him. The reality is, things aren't that great for me to hold on for dear life. It hasn't been that long, there haven't been that many investments (from both parties), we aren't that deep in each other. Love is lost, love is gone. Drake said it best. I ignored my instincts when they told me that I was just his replacement girl, when he came out of his 2+ year relationship. Red flag painted transparent by my own desires. You know the more I think about it, I really havent' been that truthful to myself. I thought that I wasn't in this relationship for my own personal retribution and reassurance, that indeed someone can "love" and "want" me. After all I've been through with "friends" in the past, this kind of reassurance is probably the thing that I needed the most. But, what was the point in that? I'm in the same spot that I was in with them. Getting hurt, being wounded, and just brushing it off. For what reason? Because thats what you do in relationships? Take the pain and keep moving? How the hell would I know? It's only been my real first.

For the past year prior to getting into this establishment in December 07, the thought of ME being in a relationship truly disgusted me. Being tied down, being restricted from doing whatever I wanted to do (even as small as flirting how I wanted to). I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to manage in these kind of relationships. But how else would you know how to manage, unless you learned as you went along?

You know, despite my belief that part of me MAY be (not necessarily IS) in this establishment for my own reassurance, I know at least, that he was really cared for by me. My continuing connection to HIM (I continually questioned his), was based on the fact that I cared for him a lot. So much at times, I felt that I was actually going to explode. A feeling that supercedes any kind of pleasure but almost hurts at the same time. I was falling/fell in love. For the first time. And the fact of the matter is, it felt good to love someone. To want to give love to someone, to pour out love on someone, to devote my love to someone. Pleasured me just as much. Painfully enough, my euphoria never lasted for long, as my mind seems to be my enemy, reminding me that I always need to be on my best to remain in this competition that I feel like im in with his past.

I want it to work so badly. Funny how I've changed so much in the past year. To hating the thought of being in a relationship to having a burning to desire for this one to work. Just to work. For me to have that indescribable connection with someone. I could have sworn that its him. Am I in love? (Lol i sound so gay) or am I just attached? How do you differentiate the two?

Either way, it hurts. Tears fall, my heart breaks. Love or attachment, it still hurts.