I am so frustrated right now, that I can barely function to speak. I will never understand how ONE person can drag you through such a roller coaster of emotion. From my last post until now, I've been from loving him, and wanting to give all my love to him, to coming the conclusion that my time here, our time here, is just about over. Never in my life will I understand people who choose to act like this. I can't even say " I'm trying so hard" because I'm way past that stage. Right now, I'm just tired, of trying to make it work with someone that REALLY doesn't care. It's really NOT that hard to notice an apathetic attitude when someone has one. Maybe he's just immature, and I'm really just seeing it now. Trying to put me on illegitmate guilt trips do not work. I completely take responsibility and accept my imperfections. But that being said, every single person on this planet should do the same, seeing as to how they are exactly in the same position as me. I'm sick of the guilt trips. " You don't want to talk to me", "You've changed." " You don't care about me anymore". I've spent so much time and energy trying to defend myself against this ONE person, for all these illegitimate claims, I'm telling you I'm livid. Tears are forced out of my eyes burning with complete and pure frustration.

I wanted something real. I wanted something that I could have, hold and cherish. I wanted something to call mine. Something made for me. I'm so disappointed. I've never been this disappointed. And if I have, ever in my life, felt this way, I clearly DON'T remember so it really doesn't compare. This is why I hold on. I want something real. A mature relationship, thats a pleasure and a treasure, that belongs to only me and that person. There is only so far that I can go. There is only so much emotion that I can give. I'm tired now. It would be a different situation, if we were BOTH working towards a solution. But, when I'm the only person that's willing to see things and call them out as they are, then the clock runs out even faster.

My frustration comes from my imminent disappointment. Why can't I just have ONE person, why can't I just have ONE damn person, ONE damn relationship that I can treasure? A lonely life is a painful one.