Im finished with doing this blog thing.. Im going away with myself. Don't know when I'll be back.

Feb 23 2009. 10:01 am

There are some times, when I start to have certain thoughts and feel certain emotions inside of me, that I don't really feel that I could share with the people that should actually hear them. Now, its not because they are private thoughts, or that I'm afraid of how it will come across. But its the fact that I am unsure if these thoughts are really grounded in stable logic. For example. My current stream of thought. I am here, once again wondering if I am giving too much and loving too hard in this relationship that I am in. Its kind of sad you know. We've been together for over a year. And we've been through some serious shit. And I still have to wonder if I really have his heart. I still have to wonder if I mean as much to him and he does to me. I have to wonder if I really have him, if he really belongs to me. You know, too often girls want to be naive and ignorant and turn a blind eye to the clear indications that they really don't have their man in their grasp like they think they do. I never want to be that way. So, how I do a chose between the conflicting emotions. One side of constantly thinking about the affection, the love that he has shown me, the small things that mean alot. Meanwhile, the other side of reminds myself about the things that have happened/ are happening that push us apart. The things that show me that I just may not be that important. I would have to give into those kind of emotions. I'm tired of being in such a dperessed setate, like I've been for lets say 99.9% of this winter. I really am. After spending a night away (with him actually for the first time) I've come out of the sad, depressing sentiment. I don't want to go back into it. But really, this is pulling me into some negative direction. I dont want to go into it. If I'm not sad, I'll be mad. I don't want to go there. I just want to know what reality is, so I can move towards it.

I Just Want To Tell You

My heartbreak right now, is inexplainable. Its reached a point that I'm so stressed, depressed and sad, that I'm numb. For the most part, extremely numb. Just not here. It scares a part of me, because it doesn't feel mentally healthy. I spend my time crying, sobbing, weeping. Maybe at some other time, I'll be able to speak on what's going on inside of me. Maybe I'll be able to do that when I'm able to understand my emotions for myself. In my heartbreak, I love the Lord. I just do. The only constant in life, I have found is the dependable love of Christ. I don't care, if anyone who reads this, thinks I'm foolish for saying that. It would actually be impossible for me to care less. For different reasons, my heart is broken and I'm depressed. So I spend time with Him in my spirit. Deeper than just physically kneeling at my bedside praying. More substantial than being mentally aware that I am communicating with God. But reach out on that level, that surpasses human nature or expression. That deep, deep place within me... stretched out to Him. Where words cease to possess meaning.



I Just Want to Tell You, Lord I Love You More Than Anything.

Feb 10. 10:48 p.m.

I'm really not in the mood to talk. Maybe I will be in a few days. I don't know. I found out last night that a friend from the workplace I quit on friday.. committed suicide. My ex, who I'm still really cool with (not in that kind of way) called me and told me, because 1. he didnt know what to do, and I'm the only one he thinks he can call during those times 2. he and Courtney were best of friends. Sadness can't describe anything. Really, life on Earth sucks. Its just pain and torture, with a few splotches of happiness. If people ever want to know why I believe in Heaven.. never mind God... but Heaven, life is my reason. I am so disturbed in my spirit. I want to talk about it... but I feel as if it just burdens me.
In other news... J and I.. rocks again. I dont know if its because so much of my heart is broken for Courtney, but I don't know what or how to feel about this situation with him. I just don't have it in me right now. I can't even say right now.... ohh, I really need to get away.. Just be out of here... All I can say is that life sucks. Its nothing to obsess over.. or even fall in love with. Maybe I'm speaking from my sadness, but its how I'm feeling right now.

feb 9. 12.36 am.

So... a little bit of stress has been released off my shoulders. Yesterday night, I bit the bullet, and dropped a course from my schedule. On one hand it sucks, because its a mandatory course for my program and I'm eventually going to have to take it. But on the other hand its great, because I get mondays off... A study/work/ go see J day, since Fridays are always packed.. usually with going to see J, I have less work/ less stress.. more time, and I may not even finish school where I am at anyways.. So... For the time being, its ok with me. I also finished that paper... IT took me TWO days to do it. But I managed to hand it in electronically 3 minutes before it was too late.. thank GOD. So, since theres no school tomorrow, I plan to lounge (just for tonight!) and rest. And then tomorrow, rack my brain like crazy. Acutally... scrap that plan. I'm going to start on my assignment thats due on tuesday, so that I can have maximum studying time for my exam thats on the same day. University life sucks. And it sucks x452 when you are unhappy at the school you are at. I'm really starting to consider switching schools. Right now, my mind is on 2 particular schools which are relatively in the same area. I'm really going to have to pray about it, because I can't continue on at UTM.... IT sucks assssssssss. But, at the same time, a part what is making me unhappy (mainly loneliness) cannot and will not be solved by me moving away. So while I may go to another school, and love the program/courses, at nights, when I'm in my apartment... I'll still be lonely, because no one will be there. And that, will tear me apart. Because then, I won't be at home. I won't be able to just get on the train, and go be with J. I can't just pick up the phone and call either of my closest girls. It really will be just. Me. So, its a serious decision that I can't just take as a grain of rice... Even with all of that, something is calling my heart to it. Its almost like a part of me knows that this is the direction that I'm supposed to be headed in... this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I still need to pray about it... Repent and pray. AHhh but until then, I'm off to immerse myself in post-secondary studies..Well that and off to take some pictures of me:) I need to be documenting myself as I am getting older..


P.S. This weekend is valentines. J will be out of this country. I'm sooo disappointed. Last year, our valentines, started off proper and ended off flop. Now, it was last year, its in the past, it already happened, so I'm over it. But I'm sad that I won't be having one again with him this year. I know Valentines is menial, and really and truly has no meaning. But for one time, I just want to have a bomb valentines. I had wanted to spend the day before he left, with him... But in the evening he has to work.. So we would be chilling.. at his school... Umm. Not cool. If things are going to be romantic and special (lol that sounds corny), then I don't want to end up spending my time with people I don't know... Even though, I'll be going to a Valentines banquet on Friday.. J won't be here, so its not Valentines without him..





P.P.S.
I just popped up on someones page.. and tootttallly forgot about this song. I love nostaglic songs. Remember when Spice Girls ruled the WORLDD? Lol this video alwayss used to make me feel sad when I was a kid, now it brings back memories with a smile.. I miss my 90's childhood!

Feb. 6 1:50 a.m.

Me^^


Soo.. the midterm madness/ hell has NOT ended.. and I still need to finish that paper. But, my mind is running a little bit rampant tonight, so I had to get a load off. Tonight I'm feeling a mixture of emotions, honestly it feels weird. If my emotions could be painted into an image, it would probably most resemble an illusion of a rainbow sherbert. On a white canvas. Colours of red, to serve as a two seperate emotions. Flowing, soft, patent red, to display the love in my heart for J. You know, after being with him for over a year, and after all we've been through, and all that I've done to show him (and myself) that I do infact truly love him, it still takes me aback to hear it. To hear it, to know it, to feel it. At the age of 18, I met the person that introduced to me to what love feels like. Sometiems our relationship weakens, and becomes flawed. But I never manage to lose my feelings for him. He could piss me riiight off to no end, and I'll still be there calling him at the end of the night, because going to sleep without his voice feels..wrong. I'm a bit sad that he will be going away for Valentines, because we never get to have one together. Last years was messssssseddd. Started off good.. definately did not end that way. I'm still going to try to plan something though...Now, there are so many things that I wish our relationship to be and grow to. The intensity of love that I truly desire for us to find in each other, so many things I desire for us to give, share, learn and develop. But the fact of the matter is, we may not live to see those moments. Life is guaranteed to no man. As I was reading earlier this week on a blog that I frequent, the present is a gift. The future should be yearned after, but it is the present that is to be embraced. So our relationship, flawed and all, I would walk a thousand miles and a thousand seas. I love you.

Strong, fierce, deep, red. Illustrating my passionate disappointing anger at the betrayal of another "friend". You know, I hate to admit it, only partially because there are some things that I'm doing at this moment that I do not want to be revealed.. but the saying that says "what's done in darkness comes to light" is nothing short of true. If there is one thing I don't like, its a facetious person. Like nails to a chalk board. Now what I can't STAND? Facetious friends, who slander your name, and then smile to you as if things are perfect. I couldn't describe the discontention that I have for this people, so I'm not even going to bother. I've heard movements that he's been on, and some of them regarding me, in the past.. but nothing major enough to make major moves. When it comes to confrontations, I work strategically. People often think, that once they hear some news, they need to go all out, RIGHT at that moment and call them out. I am definately not like that. Of course making sure that I strike while the iron is hot, I wait, until I know its time to move. Which is what I'll be doing.
Never judge a book by its cover. Just because I had seemed to be timid and shy before, don't think that I won't hold my ground when fools try to take me on. Some people don't realize that I know my worth, I know who I am. I know what I am. And I never lose sight of that.

Calming, peaceful, streaming, canary yellow.. simply because I am content! Despite the afore mentioned situation, I am happy for the time being. I got my hair done tonight.. Still some ways to go.. but I loovee getting my hair done. As for school? Still hate it. But, this week, I've been talking to alot of people at school and everyone hates it. I was speaking with my friend Tristan at lunch today.. (yeah, this week seemed to suddenly and abruptly turn into, meet/talk with people week) and I was explaning to him my dilemma regarding my discontent with what I'm studying. So, I ended up telling him that my passion lies within writing. A newly discovered passion, that looking back, I realize was always there. Or at least has been for a while. He simply told me, that if thats what I'm passionate about, thats what I need to studying. Studying, and building a career around. Funny, my friend Maya told me the same thing the day before. Confirmation? I realize that at this point, me wondering about whether I should change programs and possibly schools is an issue that I need to take to God. The kind of direction I need can only come from Him.

Just to mention a few..

With that said, I'm off to try and force myself to stay up, write a paper, spend my night with After 7 : Ready or Not and try to get into contact with J. Either that, or just daydream about the guy.

... One more addition..

I realized in the car driving somewhere the other day, that I never listen to modern music. I probably have maybe max 10 songs that have been released in the past 3 years on my ipod. And its because the music sucks! The level of crap quality that is released as "music" today, cannot be explained. So I'd rather listen to songs, such as the ones below.





All I want is true love.