Jan 31. 2009 10:57

I've been really depressed as of late. I've been crying more than I am accustomed to and I'm not even trying to fight it.I don't want to say that I am wallowing in my sadness, but I find that I am just dwelling here. Dwelling in this pain. I know that there are people out there, even people that I know, that have it worse than I do. But, sometimes, heartbreak is the worst pain that one person can feel. Well, its the worst pain that I've known in my lifetime. Things just seem to be very bleak right now, and have no signs of changing.

Breathe Me - Sia

Jan 28 2008 2:12.

I'm going to keep this as short as I can. I have to start a paper! Its due in 3 days, I have TONS of research to do, and I haven't started yet. Procrastination SUCKS. But, I'm here in my room, listening to my chosen soundtrack for the night. The music of his sleep. Its in THESE moments where I feel the connection of my heart to him. You know, I haven't spoken to him all day. And didn't get a chance to speak to him that much yesterday... And I have my little problems with an issue thats been recurring lately. But, I sit here and listen to him sleep. Make sure that his breathing is straight, that everything is alright. I can't be with him physically, so this is definately the next best thing that I can do. Deep down, I could never say that I didn't love him. Despite what has happened in the past, I love this guy. At times, saying those very words, kind of overwhelms me. Overwhelms me with surprise at the fact that I'm in love with someone. That I'm actually in love. And yeah I realize that me being in this emotional position, could possibly end up with me getting hurt. Sometimes it does work out that way. But, in this moment, even though I'm not all happy go lucky, with jittery emotions, I love you. You have some how managed to captivate my heart. Lol, even whether I like it sometimes or not. I love you! I know that I will evetually hang up... orrrrrr I may even just leave the phone on the whole night, like I do at times, and wait for you to wake up in the morning, say good morning and set me up for my day. I only wish for our relationship to get better. And grow, no matter what our label is. Just constant positive progression. Once again, I love you!

School Daze Pt1. at my school.

You know, even though I'm so miserable with/being at my school, thereare,well, IS a perk that I do love about it. I can SLEEP! Its no where out the norm, for anyone who is tired, to come in the library, kick up their feet and take a niiiiceee nap. No one stares at you, or thinks "when is this person going to get up". Its sooo chill. I loves it. So with that short little exerpt of proclamation, lol I'm off to take my nap, right here in this lounge chair, with the sun shining bright. I'm aiming for about an hour. After my nap, I'm going to go link up with T, a guy from my highschool... we'lll see how our link up goes later :)

Loneliness Pt.1

Post today is called Loneliness. Its the definitive word to explain my life right now. I feel like, I am so socially disconnected that its painful. You know, theres a verse in the bible that says, "if you want friends, you have to be friendly", and I believe it. But what do you do, when you see that you are an individual who is so personable, but has no one to talk to? I mean yeah, I have my circle of 3. My girl from grade 9/10 (bff/ homegirl to death) my girl from church (bfffffl) and J. Those are the only ones that I can claim as my circle. The only ones that I habitually talk to. So, my post here today, is not a rant about why I don't have that much friends. I have a question and a thought to ponder. My question : what is it that causes me to have no one else? I mean, its not like im rude, go out of my way to disconnect myself from the world, or try to be an unpersonable person. I mean, what is it that I have to do? I go to school, and read blogs about other people that go to school, and see the excitement of the social life that these people have. And I wonder why is that I don't have that? Is it the kind of environment that is my school? I go to school, stay by myself, and then go home. I'm telling you, my life feels boring and miserable as HELL. I would like to ask someone who goes to college, without coming off as arrogant, why its so much easier to meet and befriend people in college than it seems to be in university. I mean, J started school in September, and is FOREVER at rez with his new friends. I mean sleeping there, eating there, chilling there. All the time. Its depression that adds to deep current depression. I mean, in elementary school, we would laugh at people who didn't have any friends. Call them loner's and whatever. Now that I'm living this here life, this loneliness is such a painful burden. And I call it a burden, because its not a weight that I carry intentionally. Really, and truly I hate it. And I always think of ways that I can meet people, but always come up short, left with no possibilities. It's been a cold and lonely winter. And I really want to meet people. So bad. Not only because of my loneliness, but because I love meeting people! Engaging in new conversations, new laughs, new memories, its all fun to me. Brave of me to admit something like this publicly, but I know that with emotions and humans, they aren't usually isolated to one person. So I know for a fact that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I mean, it becomes so depressing that I have NO desire to do anything! I mean, I'm socially alienated by way of default to a point that it pushes me to be more socially alienated... Its got to stop. I feel like I'm being tortured, and I'm dieing slowly.

What The Real Deal Is..

Ok, so apart of my life is getting on the up and up, but I'm still on that Jazmine Sullivan, Lions, Tigers, and Bears tips.. (hint hint) lol I'll leave it at that. I've got two thoughts in my head right now, but I'll stick to one and keep it short, since I should be sleeping. Its 3:49 right now. I'll try to keep this within 10-15 minutes. Won't be too hard. Well, I'm wondering, why, when Life shows the reality of its nature, and comes and knocks you off your feet, why it is SO difficult for some people to pull themselves together, start to brush the dust off, and try to move on or keep their life going. I mean, is this something that is connected with personality traits? Regardless of sex, because I know both males and females that seem to struggle with this. I know that, when difficulties come around, it is natural for humans to want to wallow in sadness, depression, pity and emotions of the like. But at what point, is enough, enough? I myself, in [recent] times past, have spent a good deal of time, crying listening to my favourite bummy mood song: This Womans Work by Maxwell. But at some point, the depressing music becomes annoying, and I need to get on with my life. Ruined, Collasped, Failed relationships, spiritual, academic emotional physical failures, irreplaceable losses, broken friendships, domestic issues, personal drama, issues or conflicts, professional conflicts, dramas etc. I know that some time is usually necessary for mourning, in order for you to get over the situation. Its a process. BUT, it no longers become a process, when you refuse to move from one vital stage to another. You then turn into a stumbling block, a hinderance to your own progress. How come people don't understand this? What causes them to want to stay in the mourning cycle? I mean, after sometime, it just becomes something that you are intentionally holding on to. Not something, that has per se, knocked you to the ground. Its something that has knocked you down, that you reached out to hold on to. If 2009, should be about anything, it should be about Letting Go. I know at one point, its going to be hard for me to even take this advice, whether the issue has to do with Mr. Him, personal issues, academic issues, or whatever. People please! Just let it go! I wish I had it in me to be brutally honest to those that are closest to me, or anyone for that matter. I find that for the VERY FEW people that are IN, IN, IN my inner circle, to see the unadulterated me, with all my imperfections, are the only people that might get this brutal honesty. But there are some people that are in my inner circle, that need this kind of honesty right now. Life will knock you down sometimes. Its a given. But, after sometime, you just have to collect yourself, get on with life. Tears may fall, as you start to walk again. Pain may fill your heart as you turn away from the past and try [ to even attempt] to stride on towards the future, but you must move on towards the future. What comfort will holding on to the same flame that burnt you bring?

In 2009, i'll turn 20. I've seen music styles come and go. Music styles, like fads appear, and then disappear. But, classic music never dies. Let it be know, that Anita Baker is the BUSINESS. Now, and FOREVER.
If, Mr. Him bought me Her 94 album Rhythm of Love.. man. I dont know WHAT he would be in for lol.

Jan 3. 2009 1:03 Pm.

Still thinking here.. continuing on my last post. I am wondering if I could make I guess an activity that I do that thing that completes me? The right thing, for a girl who grew up in church, would be to say that Jesus should be my "completor". But I'd prefer not to lie to my self, since I know that I'm so far from God, that its a wonder why I'm even still alive. You see, a part of the reason why I write, is because I have a very small circle. I would say that there are maybe 3 people that I will speak to everyday. And one of the 3 truly doesn't count as a friend . So I only have two. Two that I could talk to, not wondering about whether or not they are being real with me, whether or not they are showing me who they really are, saying to me what I should know, whether or not the emotions that show to me are genuine, whether or not they actually care. Now I have a small circle. But I don't necessarily put in an effort to keep a small circle. Its just the way my life is now. Out of all the people that I know, I don't desire to have closer bonds, become closer or bestest friends with any of them. The level of relationship that I have with that person, is the way that it should stay. Soooo, in order to enlargen (is that a word) my circle, it would have to be entirely new people. Where I could find these new people? I have noooo idea. I guess school....
I'm so empty. Writing can't fill that void for me. Yes, it helps me get out what I need to get out. I come here to write for me. But writing can't fill that void. Another human can't fill that void. Humans will fail. Time and time again. I guess, it sounds like the right thing to say, because it is. I really do know that I can only turn to God, to heal me. To me, it seems like it will be a big work to do. None of the person that I was prior to Dec. 30 is here. I'm just a shell. I'll have to go to God. Turn away from the world, and go to God.

Jan 3. 2009 12:31 Pm

Happy New Year to the world. My first post of 09, and lol not much has changed since "last year". I'm not really one, to get all hype about a new year starting, because EVERYONE and their MOMS is always bragging about "fresh starts" in the new year, and then end up falling into their same old crap or same old drama. I don't limit my "fresh starts" to a new year. New moments are created spontaneously by me all the time. But my thought today, is a question that I have. What do you do when you find yourself in the predicament, of wanting someone to be there and no one is there? I mean, Im feeling this way today, and yes there are people that I could call (even though my phone is dead and I have no plans of charging it), but what do you do when you need that special person, who can fill that perpetual void of lonliness? Yeah, you could talk to anyone, but not everyone can give you what you need. .. Or can anyone even give you that fulfillment? Is that something that you have to find within yourself?
Its a half and half battle for me. Because, I want company. The company of that person. But within the past week I gave myself away. A part of me is missing. And as time goes by, the space where the other half of my being used to be, seems to become a darker and darker abyss. Its almost painful. Physically. I can feel it physically. I constantly feel light headed and disoriented, because I'm not whole anymore. It is painful. And I am starting to wonder, if I will ever gain back the substance to fill that empty space. So what do I do, when I need that person (who I am starting to believe I haven't met yet, by the way) to give me that wholesome, completing, fulfilling company, but yet I am only half of the person I need to be. Perhaps just a shell of who I used to be. I'm empty. And I regret it. Because the worst thing I could do, was give away my substance to someone who didn't deserve it. Pieces of me are missing. No, pieces of me are gone. I keep forgetting to remind myself that I am not like everyone else.




My Life - Mary J Blige