Relevational Thoughts

The other day, I had a massssiveee fight with my mom. Probably the biggest that I can remember. Ever. Now even though I was mad with her approach, and the main thing that she was approaching me with, she opened my eyes none the less. Opened my eyes to realize that I had been playing myself for way too long. Again. Accepting and embracing way less than what I am worth. Now something that I never want to be labeled as is conceited. Mainly because I hate conceited people. And would hate to be one of them. BUT, that being said, I know what I'm worth. At least, I remember now. The goals that I have for myself. The vision that I have of the person that I should be in 5,10,15 years. The person that I aspire to be both personally and professionally. The goals that I have accomplished thus far. The things that I desire to accomplish (which exede the limitations of only the professional world) as a person living in this world. Are amazing. I've played myself. I personally believe that it worse to play your OWN self, to decieve your OWN self, than to have others do it to you. If a significant other plays or decieves you, then at least, you can walk away, leaving that person for ever. Now, essentially, you could leave a part of yourself behind in the same manner. Leaving the toxic part that enabled you to deceive yourself, is easier said than done. Internal changes are for the most part, much harder than external ones. You know, a few weeks ago at church, a visiting minister said that "the worst thing about deception is deception. Because you don't even know that you are being/ have been deceived." And that is probably the most truthful, most real statement that I've heard of 2008. I allowed myself to be deceived by an image and feelings and a "truth" that was completely fabricated. And in doing that, I forget my VALUE! You know there are things that every girl can do. But not every girl is of worth. Not every girl has aspirations of nothing less than success on her own terms. Not every girl has dreams that are holistic to her own being. Appealing to not only her a professional and financial success, but also an internal, perspnal success and ultimate satisfaction. I forgot to remind myself that I am not every girl. Although I allowed myself to be treated like on, I simply am not. The idea of me being like every single other girl went out of the window as soon as I decided, that the personI was to be right now and the person I am to be in the future, would not be just an ordinary person, who had ordinary goals, and was satisfied with ordinary satisfaction, on any level. Allowing myself to be treated by as if I'm any old girl, was a betrayal to my value. I 've been settling for treatment, and relationships and people that I shouldn't be dealing with. Period. I 'm too good for that.