Revelational Thoughts

So, its been a little while since I last wrote. Since I last wrote I've gone on a little vacation (:D sooo relaxing), spent a good amount of time with myself, with my mind, my family and experiencing some {much needed} revelations. I spent some timem thinking about whether or not I really needed to have a blog, because I really don't even think that theres anyone reading it, and that if I need to put my life literally in front of my eyes, so that I can get a complete grasp on where my life needs to go, then thats fine. But I don't need to do that in in front of people that I don't know. I'm not really a fan of airing out my business, like I see most blogs do. Which is another reason why I didn't bother writing on here for so long. So, I guess I'm going to stop airing myself out the way I do, and speak in mainly ambigous terms, or maybe one day, I just might stop writing on here all together and just do daily entries on my computer, save them in my documents.

So, that being said, I've realized that I need to make sure at all times, that I keep myself in check with reality. Its so easy to become disillusion when you're figuring out who you are as a person and defining the relationships that you have with other people. I realized something great the other day. I was having a really bad day at work, the only hostess working, and I just couldn't do anything right. And right in the middle of this "do-nothing-right" day, I realized that this great person that I think that I am becoming, is completely non- existent without God. I've been living my life for the past little while, thinking that I could get on and get on WELL without the instruction, wisdom, guidance and interference of God. It's NOT working. My mom was essentially right when she said that I was heading down the path of destruction. She just didn't say it, in a way that could hit me in my face. They say that God helps those who help themselves. But the key part of that saying is GOD HELPS. There is a verse in the book of Proverbs that says essentially, "the ways unto man are death, but the instruction of the Lord is eternal life" I think it is. But, the part that I'm really starting to understand, is that the ways unto man are DEATH. I can't do this "life" thing alone. So from now on, I'm not going to. I know the person that I need, want, desire and aspire to be and I can't be that without God. So, I'm going to have to get myself into the mindset, that God is my be all and end all, and that its not just saying. It's truth that I need to live my life after. So that means, whatever poses a threat to this, needs to go. Because in my mentality, whenever I set out a goal, and I don't accomplish it, no matter what it is, then I am NOTHING MORE than a failure. No matter what it is. So the goal that I've set for myself to be as a person, if that goal is not met then I've failed myself GREATLY. And I don't know how I could EVER live with that, because I couldn't. And if I need God to be thing person, then whoever/ whatever poses themselves as a threat, is reversely posing a threat to their well-being, because I wont take that lightly or sitting down.

So it was as I has this revelation that I recieved deeper one, pertaining to the person that I currently am. And since I started to think that I am this great person, I became ignorant of this ugly person that I have within me. It's always whenever I became disconnected with reality, that I just morph into this ugly person. J brought it to my attention that I only complain about him. Which at the time, I said wasn't true and that its only because I can't handle people trying to walk all over me. Which is true, but only to a certain point and in a different sense. I do complain about a lot of stuff, that especially have to do with him. I forgot how completely self-less he has been towards me, even with small things. I've been so concentrated on having a relationship that equates to nothing less that perfection, that I've become to focused on his faults, and not focused enough on the things that I love about him. I am in a very repentant state regarding to this. Because I've treated him so badly, all because I've been so hung up on having perfection. I wish there were words that show greater emotion and repentance, that I'm sorry or I apologize. When I feel these ways, those words just don't cut it for me. I don't know how I could show him my regret and my appreciation. I don't even know if I have the time.

The thought that he presented to me revealed something else to me, that I have made clearly obvious on here. In me thinking that I'm grown, I've just over-exaggerated everything. My issues with J, most specifically. We are both 18, barely even started on our way to adulthood and life in general. Things are NOT that serious for us. We do strive to develop a relationship with each other and be committed. But there is a definite and obvious danger in taking things tooo serious. Which is what I have done, there is nothing wrong with with showing your emotions. But being too extra, is not necessary. I need to learn how to become a person who has the immeadiate reaction to assess the level of emotional reaction that is needed. I am so embarrased of those entries, because if J were to read it, I would be hurt to know that I said those things about him. Communication is key. All needed to do was communicate. We were talking to each other, not communicating. I only wish that I have enough time to do that with him.

Daily, I continue to grow and learn. Learn and grow. I am trying to take things slow. Because learnin is not as quick as a finger-snap. Which is what I'm learning about life. Learning and changing, not finger-snap quick at all. All that said, my heart is with J. A person that I'm growing to love, who is showing me in this relationship who I am, where I need to go, how I can grow, and what needs to change. And just the fact, that he is helping me learn what love and a relationship is, and how to love, blows my mind. I never thought that this would be happening to me!