Im finished with doing this blog thing.. Im going away with myself. Don't know when I'll be back.

Feb 23 2009. 10:01 am

There are some times, when I start to have certain thoughts and feel certain emotions inside of me, that I don't really feel that I could share with the people that should actually hear them. Now, its not because they are private thoughts, or that I'm afraid of how it will come across. But its the fact that I am unsure if these thoughts are really grounded in stable logic. For example. My current stream of thought. I am here, once again wondering if I am giving too much and loving too hard in this relationship that I am in. Its kind of sad you know. We've been together for over a year. And we've been through some serious shit. And I still have to wonder if I really have his heart. I still have to wonder if I mean as much to him and he does to me. I have to wonder if I really have him, if he really belongs to me. You know, too often girls want to be naive and ignorant and turn a blind eye to the clear indications that they really don't have their man in their grasp like they think they do. I never want to be that way. So, how I do a chose between the conflicting emotions. One side of constantly thinking about the affection, the love that he has shown me, the small things that mean alot. Meanwhile, the other side of reminds myself about the things that have happened/ are happening that push us apart. The things that show me that I just may not be that important. I would have to give into those kind of emotions. I'm tired of being in such a dperessed setate, like I've been for lets say 99.9% of this winter. I really am. After spending a night away (with him actually for the first time) I've come out of the sad, depressing sentiment. I don't want to go back into it. But really, this is pulling me into some negative direction. I dont want to go into it. If I'm not sad, I'll be mad. I don't want to go there. I just want to know what reality is, so I can move towards it.

I Just Want To Tell You

My heartbreak right now, is inexplainable. Its reached a point that I'm so stressed, depressed and sad, that I'm numb. For the most part, extremely numb. Just not here. It scares a part of me, because it doesn't feel mentally healthy. I spend my time crying, sobbing, weeping. Maybe at some other time, I'll be able to speak on what's going on inside of me. Maybe I'll be able to do that when I'm able to understand my emotions for myself. In my heartbreak, I love the Lord. I just do. The only constant in life, I have found is the dependable love of Christ. I don't care, if anyone who reads this, thinks I'm foolish for saying that. It would actually be impossible for me to care less. For different reasons, my heart is broken and I'm depressed. So I spend time with Him in my spirit. Deeper than just physically kneeling at my bedside praying. More substantial than being mentally aware that I am communicating with God. But reach out on that level, that surpasses human nature or expression. That deep, deep place within me... stretched out to Him. Where words cease to possess meaning.



I Just Want to Tell You, Lord I Love You More Than Anything.

Feb 10. 10:48 p.m.

I'm really not in the mood to talk. Maybe I will be in a few days. I don't know. I found out last night that a friend from the workplace I quit on friday.. committed suicide. My ex, who I'm still really cool with (not in that kind of way) called me and told me, because 1. he didnt know what to do, and I'm the only one he thinks he can call during those times 2. he and Courtney were best of friends. Sadness can't describe anything. Really, life on Earth sucks. Its just pain and torture, with a few splotches of happiness. If people ever want to know why I believe in Heaven.. never mind God... but Heaven, life is my reason. I am so disturbed in my spirit. I want to talk about it... but I feel as if it just burdens me.
In other news... J and I.. rocks again. I dont know if its because so much of my heart is broken for Courtney, but I don't know what or how to feel about this situation with him. I just don't have it in me right now. I can't even say right now.... ohh, I really need to get away.. Just be out of here... All I can say is that life sucks. Its nothing to obsess over.. or even fall in love with. Maybe I'm speaking from my sadness, but its how I'm feeling right now.

feb 9. 12.36 am.

So... a little bit of stress has been released off my shoulders. Yesterday night, I bit the bullet, and dropped a course from my schedule. On one hand it sucks, because its a mandatory course for my program and I'm eventually going to have to take it. But on the other hand its great, because I get mondays off... A study/work/ go see J day, since Fridays are always packed.. usually with going to see J, I have less work/ less stress.. more time, and I may not even finish school where I am at anyways.. So... For the time being, its ok with me. I also finished that paper... IT took me TWO days to do it. But I managed to hand it in electronically 3 minutes before it was too late.. thank GOD. So, since theres no school tomorrow, I plan to lounge (just for tonight!) and rest. And then tomorrow, rack my brain like crazy. Acutally... scrap that plan. I'm going to start on my assignment thats due on tuesday, so that I can have maximum studying time for my exam thats on the same day. University life sucks. And it sucks x452 when you are unhappy at the school you are at. I'm really starting to consider switching schools. Right now, my mind is on 2 particular schools which are relatively in the same area. I'm really going to have to pray about it, because I can't continue on at UTM.... IT sucks assssssssss. But, at the same time, a part what is making me unhappy (mainly loneliness) cannot and will not be solved by me moving away. So while I may go to another school, and love the program/courses, at nights, when I'm in my apartment... I'll still be lonely, because no one will be there. And that, will tear me apart. Because then, I won't be at home. I won't be able to just get on the train, and go be with J. I can't just pick up the phone and call either of my closest girls. It really will be just. Me. So, its a serious decision that I can't just take as a grain of rice... Even with all of that, something is calling my heart to it. Its almost like a part of me knows that this is the direction that I'm supposed to be headed in... this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I still need to pray about it... Repent and pray. AHhh but until then, I'm off to immerse myself in post-secondary studies..Well that and off to take some pictures of me:) I need to be documenting myself as I am getting older..


P.S. This weekend is valentines. J will be out of this country. I'm sooo disappointed. Last year, our valentines, started off proper and ended off flop. Now, it was last year, its in the past, it already happened, so I'm over it. But I'm sad that I won't be having one again with him this year. I know Valentines is menial, and really and truly has no meaning. But for one time, I just want to have a bomb valentines. I had wanted to spend the day before he left, with him... But in the evening he has to work.. So we would be chilling.. at his school... Umm. Not cool. If things are going to be romantic and special (lol that sounds corny), then I don't want to end up spending my time with people I don't know... Even though, I'll be going to a Valentines banquet on Friday.. J won't be here, so its not Valentines without him..





P.P.S.
I just popped up on someones page.. and tootttallly forgot about this song. I love nostaglic songs. Remember when Spice Girls ruled the WORLDD? Lol this video alwayss used to make me feel sad when I was a kid, now it brings back memories with a smile.. I miss my 90's childhood!

Feb. 6 1:50 a.m.

Me^^


Soo.. the midterm madness/ hell has NOT ended.. and I still need to finish that paper. But, my mind is running a little bit rampant tonight, so I had to get a load off. Tonight I'm feeling a mixture of emotions, honestly it feels weird. If my emotions could be painted into an image, it would probably most resemble an illusion of a rainbow sherbert. On a white canvas. Colours of red, to serve as a two seperate emotions. Flowing, soft, patent red, to display the love in my heart for J. You know, after being with him for over a year, and after all we've been through, and all that I've done to show him (and myself) that I do infact truly love him, it still takes me aback to hear it. To hear it, to know it, to feel it. At the age of 18, I met the person that introduced to me to what love feels like. Sometiems our relationship weakens, and becomes flawed. But I never manage to lose my feelings for him. He could piss me riiight off to no end, and I'll still be there calling him at the end of the night, because going to sleep without his voice feels..wrong. I'm a bit sad that he will be going away for Valentines, because we never get to have one together. Last years was messssssseddd. Started off good.. definately did not end that way. I'm still going to try to plan something though...Now, there are so many things that I wish our relationship to be and grow to. The intensity of love that I truly desire for us to find in each other, so many things I desire for us to give, share, learn and develop. But the fact of the matter is, we may not live to see those moments. Life is guaranteed to no man. As I was reading earlier this week on a blog that I frequent, the present is a gift. The future should be yearned after, but it is the present that is to be embraced. So our relationship, flawed and all, I would walk a thousand miles and a thousand seas. I love you.

Strong, fierce, deep, red. Illustrating my passionate disappointing anger at the betrayal of another "friend". You know, I hate to admit it, only partially because there are some things that I'm doing at this moment that I do not want to be revealed.. but the saying that says "what's done in darkness comes to light" is nothing short of true. If there is one thing I don't like, its a facetious person. Like nails to a chalk board. Now what I can't STAND? Facetious friends, who slander your name, and then smile to you as if things are perfect. I couldn't describe the discontention that I have for this people, so I'm not even going to bother. I've heard movements that he's been on, and some of them regarding me, in the past.. but nothing major enough to make major moves. When it comes to confrontations, I work strategically. People often think, that once they hear some news, they need to go all out, RIGHT at that moment and call them out. I am definately not like that. Of course making sure that I strike while the iron is hot, I wait, until I know its time to move. Which is what I'll be doing.
Never judge a book by its cover. Just because I had seemed to be timid and shy before, don't think that I won't hold my ground when fools try to take me on. Some people don't realize that I know my worth, I know who I am. I know what I am. And I never lose sight of that.

Calming, peaceful, streaming, canary yellow.. simply because I am content! Despite the afore mentioned situation, I am happy for the time being. I got my hair done tonight.. Still some ways to go.. but I loovee getting my hair done. As for school? Still hate it. But, this week, I've been talking to alot of people at school and everyone hates it. I was speaking with my friend Tristan at lunch today.. (yeah, this week seemed to suddenly and abruptly turn into, meet/talk with people week) and I was explaning to him my dilemma regarding my discontent with what I'm studying. So, I ended up telling him that my passion lies within writing. A newly discovered passion, that looking back, I realize was always there. Or at least has been for a while. He simply told me, that if thats what I'm passionate about, thats what I need to studying. Studying, and building a career around. Funny, my friend Maya told me the same thing the day before. Confirmation? I realize that at this point, me wondering about whether I should change programs and possibly schools is an issue that I need to take to God. The kind of direction I need can only come from Him.

Just to mention a few..

With that said, I'm off to try and force myself to stay up, write a paper, spend my night with After 7 : Ready or Not and try to get into contact with J. Either that, or just daydream about the guy.

... One more addition..

I realized in the car driving somewhere the other day, that I never listen to modern music. I probably have maybe max 10 songs that have been released in the past 3 years on my ipod. And its because the music sucks! The level of crap quality that is released as "music" today, cannot be explained. So I'd rather listen to songs, such as the ones below.





All I want is true love.

Procrastination

Procrastination is a helllllluva drug! Forget about cocaine. I learned, that once you give way to procrastination its sooo hard to get off, and in order to wean yourself.. it takes some seriousssss determination. The amount of work that I have due within the next few days is simply atrociousssss lol. Ahhh, so many things to do, within the next few days, SO LITTLE TIME. Well, I can't complain, despite how stressful I may end up feeling, I love the fast-pace atmosphere that the "soo much work to do" mindset has me in. I'm the kind of person that loves to be busy. It may stress me, but I actually like to have to sit down, and wonder how I am going to schedule in another important event/meeting/date/ or whatever. So with that said, I'm off to do, important task #1: braid up my hair, so that I can get it done for tomorrow. I would love to write a proper entry today, but I can't. Maybe tomorrow.

Back At One - Brian McKnight
P.S. I was in Subway briefly today, and this song came on. I had to stop and listen to it. Now, I've known this song for years and years. But it didn't have meaning until J and I got together. It may have seemed menial to him, but those times, when he would look at me, and sing these songs to me with meaning, meant so much to me. And listening to this song at a time like now, where things between us are getting sticky, it immeadiately brings me back to those times. Say farewell to the dark of night... I see the coming of the sun. I feel like a little child. Whose life has just begun. You came and breathed new life, into this lonely heart of mine. You threw out the life line, just in the nick of time. .. A perfect analysis of me.

Feb 3. 2009 11:16 am.

Letter to Myself:

You hate your school. You don't enjoy it, and you think it offers nothing to you. You have no desire to any work, no desire to go to any classes. No drive to do any school work. But the fact of the matter is, this is the school that I chose to go to. This is the place that I planned to spend 4 of years, maybe even more, of my life at. So, I need to deal with the consequences of my decision. Just because something isn't turning out the way that I want to, doesn't mean that I should just run away from it. Although, I would love a change of lifestyle, rushing to move, go to another school, start another life? Thats a pretty grown, and likely permanent decision. I need to pull my socks up, get my life together, and get back on the track that I started off on last year. Letting situations get the best of me, stopping and holding me down, is only going to be a detriment to me. If you need to make friends, this isn't highschool where you are surrounded by the same people everyday, and becoming cool with the people in your class is inevitable. You are going to have to go out of your way, to make friends. You are going to have to join organizations and clubs, get out there and meet people. You aren't shy and you know it. You definately aren't an introvert and you definately know that. Why are you choosing to not be the person that you KNOW you are? Get out there! Have the university experience! Stop hiding behind the shadow of your pride. Your twisted and offset pride. Thats restricting you from being happy, because you are worried about what these people, who don't know you, and if they reject you, will never know you... what these people will say about you. You are on the road to failing your credits. You are going to fail your credits. Stop the bs. Cut the crap. You've managed to let yourself go, because you have lost who you are. Again. This is wack. Just go and talk to someone! Most of the people that you know are out, having fun. Enjoying the university/college life. Why are you choosing to be miserable and lonely?

Jan 31. 2009 10:57

I've been really depressed as of late. I've been crying more than I am accustomed to and I'm not even trying to fight it.I don't want to say that I am wallowing in my sadness, but I find that I am just dwelling here. Dwelling in this pain. I know that there are people out there, even people that I know, that have it worse than I do. But, sometimes, heartbreak is the worst pain that one person can feel. Well, its the worst pain that I've known in my lifetime. Things just seem to be very bleak right now, and have no signs of changing.

Breathe Me - Sia

Jan 28 2008 2:12.

I'm going to keep this as short as I can. I have to start a paper! Its due in 3 days, I have TONS of research to do, and I haven't started yet. Procrastination SUCKS. But, I'm here in my room, listening to my chosen soundtrack for the night. The music of his sleep. Its in THESE moments where I feel the connection of my heart to him. You know, I haven't spoken to him all day. And didn't get a chance to speak to him that much yesterday... And I have my little problems with an issue thats been recurring lately. But, I sit here and listen to him sleep. Make sure that his breathing is straight, that everything is alright. I can't be with him physically, so this is definately the next best thing that I can do. Deep down, I could never say that I didn't love him. Despite what has happened in the past, I love this guy. At times, saying those very words, kind of overwhelms me. Overwhelms me with surprise at the fact that I'm in love with someone. That I'm actually in love. And yeah I realize that me being in this emotional position, could possibly end up with me getting hurt. Sometimes it does work out that way. But, in this moment, even though I'm not all happy go lucky, with jittery emotions, I love you. You have some how managed to captivate my heart. Lol, even whether I like it sometimes or not. I love you! I know that I will evetually hang up... orrrrrr I may even just leave the phone on the whole night, like I do at times, and wait for you to wake up in the morning, say good morning and set me up for my day. I only wish for our relationship to get better. And grow, no matter what our label is. Just constant positive progression. Once again, I love you!

School Daze Pt1. at my school.

You know, even though I'm so miserable with/being at my school, thereare,well, IS a perk that I do love about it. I can SLEEP! Its no where out the norm, for anyone who is tired, to come in the library, kick up their feet and take a niiiiceee nap. No one stares at you, or thinks "when is this person going to get up". Its sooo chill. I loves it. So with that short little exerpt of proclamation, lol I'm off to take my nap, right here in this lounge chair, with the sun shining bright. I'm aiming for about an hour. After my nap, I'm going to go link up with T, a guy from my highschool... we'lll see how our link up goes later :)

Loneliness Pt.1

Post today is called Loneliness. Its the definitive word to explain my life right now. I feel like, I am so socially disconnected that its painful. You know, theres a verse in the bible that says, "if you want friends, you have to be friendly", and I believe it. But what do you do, when you see that you are an individual who is so personable, but has no one to talk to? I mean yeah, I have my circle of 3. My girl from grade 9/10 (bff/ homegirl to death) my girl from church (bfffffl) and J. Those are the only ones that I can claim as my circle. The only ones that I habitually talk to. So, my post here today, is not a rant about why I don't have that much friends. I have a question and a thought to ponder. My question : what is it that causes me to have no one else? I mean, its not like im rude, go out of my way to disconnect myself from the world, or try to be an unpersonable person. I mean, what is it that I have to do? I go to school, and read blogs about other people that go to school, and see the excitement of the social life that these people have. And I wonder why is that I don't have that? Is it the kind of environment that is my school? I go to school, stay by myself, and then go home. I'm telling you, my life feels boring and miserable as HELL. I would like to ask someone who goes to college, without coming off as arrogant, why its so much easier to meet and befriend people in college than it seems to be in university. I mean, J started school in September, and is FOREVER at rez with his new friends. I mean sleeping there, eating there, chilling there. All the time. Its depression that adds to deep current depression. I mean, in elementary school, we would laugh at people who didn't have any friends. Call them loner's and whatever. Now that I'm living this here life, this loneliness is such a painful burden. And I call it a burden, because its not a weight that I carry intentionally. Really, and truly I hate it. And I always think of ways that I can meet people, but always come up short, left with no possibilities. It's been a cold and lonely winter. And I really want to meet people. So bad. Not only because of my loneliness, but because I love meeting people! Engaging in new conversations, new laughs, new memories, its all fun to me. Brave of me to admit something like this publicly, but I know that with emotions and humans, they aren't usually isolated to one person. So I know for a fact that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I mean, it becomes so depressing that I have NO desire to do anything! I mean, I'm socially alienated by way of default to a point that it pushes me to be more socially alienated... Its got to stop. I feel like I'm being tortured, and I'm dieing slowly.

What The Real Deal Is..

Ok, so apart of my life is getting on the up and up, but I'm still on that Jazmine Sullivan, Lions, Tigers, and Bears tips.. (hint hint) lol I'll leave it at that. I've got two thoughts in my head right now, but I'll stick to one and keep it short, since I should be sleeping. Its 3:49 right now. I'll try to keep this within 10-15 minutes. Won't be too hard. Well, I'm wondering, why, when Life shows the reality of its nature, and comes and knocks you off your feet, why it is SO difficult for some people to pull themselves together, start to brush the dust off, and try to move on or keep their life going. I mean, is this something that is connected with personality traits? Regardless of sex, because I know both males and females that seem to struggle with this. I know that, when difficulties come around, it is natural for humans to want to wallow in sadness, depression, pity and emotions of the like. But at what point, is enough, enough? I myself, in [recent] times past, have spent a good deal of time, crying listening to my favourite bummy mood song: This Womans Work by Maxwell. But at some point, the depressing music becomes annoying, and I need to get on with my life. Ruined, Collasped, Failed relationships, spiritual, academic emotional physical failures, irreplaceable losses, broken friendships, domestic issues, personal drama, issues or conflicts, professional conflicts, dramas etc. I know that some time is usually necessary for mourning, in order for you to get over the situation. Its a process. BUT, it no longers become a process, when you refuse to move from one vital stage to another. You then turn into a stumbling block, a hinderance to your own progress. How come people don't understand this? What causes them to want to stay in the mourning cycle? I mean, after sometime, it just becomes something that you are intentionally holding on to. Not something, that has per se, knocked you to the ground. Its something that has knocked you down, that you reached out to hold on to. If 2009, should be about anything, it should be about Letting Go. I know at one point, its going to be hard for me to even take this advice, whether the issue has to do with Mr. Him, personal issues, academic issues, or whatever. People please! Just let it go! I wish I had it in me to be brutally honest to those that are closest to me, or anyone for that matter. I find that for the VERY FEW people that are IN, IN, IN my inner circle, to see the unadulterated me, with all my imperfections, are the only people that might get this brutal honesty. But there are some people that are in my inner circle, that need this kind of honesty right now. Life will knock you down sometimes. Its a given. But, after sometime, you just have to collect yourself, get on with life. Tears may fall, as you start to walk again. Pain may fill your heart as you turn away from the past and try [ to even attempt] to stride on towards the future, but you must move on towards the future. What comfort will holding on to the same flame that burnt you bring?

In 2009, i'll turn 20. I've seen music styles come and go. Music styles, like fads appear, and then disappear. But, classic music never dies. Let it be know, that Anita Baker is the BUSINESS. Now, and FOREVER.
If, Mr. Him bought me Her 94 album Rhythm of Love.. man. I dont know WHAT he would be in for lol.

Jan 3. 2009 1:03 Pm.

Still thinking here.. continuing on my last post. I am wondering if I could make I guess an activity that I do that thing that completes me? The right thing, for a girl who grew up in church, would be to say that Jesus should be my "completor". But I'd prefer not to lie to my self, since I know that I'm so far from God, that its a wonder why I'm even still alive. You see, a part of the reason why I write, is because I have a very small circle. I would say that there are maybe 3 people that I will speak to everyday. And one of the 3 truly doesn't count as a friend . So I only have two. Two that I could talk to, not wondering about whether or not they are being real with me, whether or not they are showing me who they really are, saying to me what I should know, whether or not the emotions that show to me are genuine, whether or not they actually care. Now I have a small circle. But I don't necessarily put in an effort to keep a small circle. Its just the way my life is now. Out of all the people that I know, I don't desire to have closer bonds, become closer or bestest friends with any of them. The level of relationship that I have with that person, is the way that it should stay. Soooo, in order to enlargen (is that a word) my circle, it would have to be entirely new people. Where I could find these new people? I have noooo idea. I guess school....
I'm so empty. Writing can't fill that void for me. Yes, it helps me get out what I need to get out. I come here to write for me. But writing can't fill that void. Another human can't fill that void. Humans will fail. Time and time again. I guess, it sounds like the right thing to say, because it is. I really do know that I can only turn to God, to heal me. To me, it seems like it will be a big work to do. None of the person that I was prior to Dec. 30 is here. I'm just a shell. I'll have to go to God. Turn away from the world, and go to God.

Jan 3. 2009 12:31 Pm

Happy New Year to the world. My first post of 09, and lol not much has changed since "last year". I'm not really one, to get all hype about a new year starting, because EVERYONE and their MOMS is always bragging about "fresh starts" in the new year, and then end up falling into their same old crap or same old drama. I don't limit my "fresh starts" to a new year. New moments are created spontaneously by me all the time. But my thought today, is a question that I have. What do you do when you find yourself in the predicament, of wanting someone to be there and no one is there? I mean, Im feeling this way today, and yes there are people that I could call (even though my phone is dead and I have no plans of charging it), but what do you do when you need that special person, who can fill that perpetual void of lonliness? Yeah, you could talk to anyone, but not everyone can give you what you need. .. Or can anyone even give you that fulfillment? Is that something that you have to find within yourself?
Its a half and half battle for me. Because, I want company. The company of that person. But within the past week I gave myself away. A part of me is missing. And as time goes by, the space where the other half of my being used to be, seems to become a darker and darker abyss. Its almost painful. Physically. I can feel it physically. I constantly feel light headed and disoriented, because I'm not whole anymore. It is painful. And I am starting to wonder, if I will ever gain back the substance to fill that empty space. So what do I do, when I need that person (who I am starting to believe I haven't met yet, by the way) to give me that wholesome, completing, fulfilling company, but yet I am only half of the person I need to be. Perhaps just a shell of who I used to be. I'm empty. And I regret it. Because the worst thing I could do, was give away my substance to someone who didn't deserve it. Pieces of me are missing. No, pieces of me are gone. I keep forgetting to remind myself that I am not like everyone else.




My Life - Mary J Blige