Soo sometime in January, before the entire hype about the presidential bid earlier this year, I was searching around on Youtube for vids that could educate me on black in history and black in the present. I stumbled on this video, and within the first few minutes, there was this young man, with a huge afro, who said bluntly and plainly, " I want to be the president of the United States". And when I turned on the television that night, here this man was 25,20 years later, fighting to become the next president of the US. Today, he is the official Democratic Party Candidate for the presidential office. And with a opposition candidate, who believes in many of the same things as the president of the past 8 years, it looks like Obama is shaping up to be the next president, for real, for real. So as I'm watching his acceptance speech at the DNC, I'm drawn back to the night in January, when I first watched that " Oh Brother" episode that really must have been some time in the 70's. Obama becoming the next president of America is not only an indication that the Americans are working on putting their nasty habits, degradation, discrimination and past behind them. This also shows me that dreams are not "hopeless aspirations" as one song from the 90's said. Dreams are really one's passion wrapped up and packaged in goals and motivation. Barack went from the bottom straight to the top. And he is nothing less than an example of what a human being can accomplish if they truly believe in their dream, and themselves. Such an inspiration.
Yes, we all can.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
So, just on a continuation of my post from early this morning, about the purpose of blogs? I think that this young poet has it here.
The more I read blogs, and the more I see how detailed people are about their daily life activities, and their life in general, I wonder why these people ( myself included) open up themselves to people across the globe, MANY of which they'll never meet. I'll be honest and say that my blog here is for me, and maybe the few individuals who know about. I started it, because I had things that I wanted to share, but I didn't necessarily have or know if I have that kind of rapport with the few people that I actually commune with.I don't know (or think) that anyone on this planet,other than those close ones of mine, actually come to this page. Somy little blogspot, was just a filler for the space that humans are supposed to fill. So what is one to do?
The more I read blogs, and the more I see how detailed people are about their daily life activities, and their life in general, I wonder why these people ( myself included) open up themselves to people across the globe, MANY of which they'll never meet. I'll be honest and say that my blog here is for me, and maybe the few individuals who know about. I started it, because I had things that I wanted to share, but I didn't necessarily have or know if I have that kind of rapport with the few people that I actually commune with.I don't know (or think) that anyone on this planet,other than those close ones of mine, actually come to this page. Somy little blogspot, was just a filler for the space that humans are supposed to fill. So what is one to do?
Sometimes, this blog thing doesn't work for me, because after a while, I always get tired of talking about myself. Every time I think about it, it remind me of Keyshia Cole and that reality show she had,where she would just talk about herself, and expose herself and her family to the world. After a while that gets sooo old to me. I even had to stop watching her show,because one person shouldn't be into themself THAT much. It's annoying. Lol Idon't know why I even have this sometimes. I am begining to wonder how I can become this defined person, without direct contact with other people? I mean, its just me talking. How exactly does that work? Learning is somewhat two-dimensional as their is a teacher and a student. In this learning process, where I think its beneficial for me to write down my life as it happens, who is the teacher and who is the student? I think that my boredom that Im feeling with life right now, is making me analyze everything that I spend my time doing. Im bored of it all.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Your Love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself.
"You are the best. You are the worst. You are average. Your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself. To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love. You must realize that hate is but a crime-ridden subdivision of love. You must reclaim what you never lost. You must take leave of your sanity, and yet be fully responsible for your actions.
" -Gnarls Barkley, in a letter to the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs
Reading this, gives me a clear understading of what I need to fully grasp my mind around while I'm on my quest to define what love is and what it will be to me. I can't really say that I've been in love before, so its definately not on my list of things that need to be redefined according to my own standards. But, "To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love" makes so much sense to me. And the fact that," your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself." Is something that, I guess unknowingly of this truth, tried to supress and destroy, by determining that a relationship was not something that I wanted to be in. By shutting myself off to all others who may in the future want to get in. The love that I have inside, as a human being cannot be supressed or destroyed, simply because it is too strong of an emotion to contain. I hate it when simple things such as this, have to be pointed out for observation, when its almost like common knowledge! I'll definately be taking this quote into serious thought and application to my life, over the next few days, weeks..hell, maybe even months.
Which reminds me, J and I talked about how I had been feeling for the past few days, and we managed to communicate. He hit on somethings that I needed to know about myself, which I'm always grateful for. He never used to want to do it, but its crucial for me to know things that are hinderances to our progression and success together, so I strive to let him know that I need for him to tell me these things. I guess communication really does work, because we managed to get over it, and we move on. I'm learning, I'm loving, I'm learning and loving.
Feeeeeeling this old school joing right heeereee! Definately feeling this way today....
" -Gnarls Barkley, in a letter to the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs
Reading this, gives me a clear understading of what I need to fully grasp my mind around while I'm on my quest to define what love is and what it will be to me. I can't really say that I've been in love before, so its definately not on my list of things that need to be redefined according to my own standards. But, "To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love" makes so much sense to me. And the fact that," your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself." Is something that, I guess unknowingly of this truth, tried to supress and destroy, by determining that a relationship was not something that I wanted to be in. By shutting myself off to all others who may in the future want to get in. The love that I have inside, as a human being cannot be supressed or destroyed, simply because it is too strong of an emotion to contain. I hate it when simple things such as this, have to be pointed out for observation, when its almost like common knowledge! I'll definately be taking this quote into serious thought and application to my life, over the next few days, weeks..hell, maybe even months.
Which reminds me, J and I talked about how I had been feeling for the past few days, and we managed to communicate. He hit on somethings that I needed to know about myself, which I'm always grateful for. He never used to want to do it, but its crucial for me to know things that are hinderances to our progression and success together, so I strive to let him know that I need for him to tell me these things. I guess communication really does work, because we managed to get over it, and we move on. I'm learning, I'm loving, I'm learning and loving.
Feeeeeeling this old school joing right heeereee! Definately feeling this way today....
Monday, August 18, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Emotional Rollercoaster
Up and down, up and down go my emotions. Lol maybe I'm bi-polar. I dont know. Is this how love is? A little confusing, ever complicated? My posts are evidence to the fact that my emotions can go from angry to heads over heels in love, in one night. Now, I can explain and pin point WHY this happens, but HOW is still a mystery.
Today I added some more course to my 08-09 school schedule. It feels SOO good to be in my 2nd year of university and to be in my program(s). I'm just ONE step closer to becoming a CROWN attorney, one step closer to attaining allllll that I've been dreaming of, one step closer to my destiny. I am SO excited. Well excited and a little bit worried. I'm thinking that maybe my excitement for school to start will overshadow the crazy amount of work that I have to do. In order for me to get into law school after I get my bachelors, then I have to make sure that my average for the next three years is no less than a what, 4.0? Now, during my first year, I didn't work NEARLY as hard as I could have. I spent a majority of my year with J and all the new emotions that come with a new relationship. But I still managed to get higher than average in all of my classes, which definately surprised me. Despite the half-assed effort that I put in. So I can only imagine what I can accomplish with my newly established unlimited sense of determination and motivation. I also plan to join clubs, do some volunteer work, immerse and educate myself in the legal world. Really build my resume. Ahhh I can't wait! FINALLY after sooo many years, I'm really heading down the road that I have dreamed of since I was a child. I'm so excited. And to have a black man, who is aspiring to be MORE successful than me, wondahhhfuuulll:) School starts on the second week of september and all I really want is a wardrobe revamp. I'm looking to mature-up and add to my wardrobe. Have my style be a reflection of the person that I've grown to be. But alas, the funds to do so, are somewhat non-existent. Ahh well, c'est la vie. Of a student, at least. I'm off to bed. Goodnighttt
Today I added some more course to my 08-09 school schedule. It feels SOO good to be in my 2nd year of university and to be in my program(s). I'm just ONE step closer to becoming a CROWN attorney, one step closer to attaining allllll that I've been dreaming of, one step closer to my destiny. I am SO excited. Well excited and a little bit worried. I'm thinking that maybe my excitement for school to start will overshadow the crazy amount of work that I have to do. In order for me to get into law school after I get my bachelors, then I have to make sure that my average for the next three years is no less than a what, 4.0? Now, during my first year, I didn't work NEARLY as hard as I could have. I spent a majority of my year with J and all the new emotions that come with a new relationship. But I still managed to get higher than average in all of my classes, which definately surprised me. Despite the half-assed effort that I put in. So I can only imagine what I can accomplish with my newly established unlimited sense of determination and motivation. I also plan to join clubs, do some volunteer work, immerse and educate myself in the legal world. Really build my resume. Ahhh I can't wait! FINALLY after sooo many years, I'm really heading down the road that I have dreamed of since I was a child. I'm so excited. And to have a black man, who is aspiring to be MORE successful than me, wondahhhfuuulll:) School starts on the second week of september and all I really want is a wardrobe revamp. I'm looking to mature-up and add to my wardrobe. Have my style be a reflection of the person that I've grown to be. But alas, the funds to do so, are somewhat non-existent. Ahh well, c'est la vie. Of a student, at least. I'm off to bed. Goodnighttt
Friday, August 15, 2008
I'm Selfish. Mom was right. I am selfish. I've been selfish to J. My parental restrictions, are as I said, ridiculous despite my pending grown-assness. They are trying as HARD as they can to ensure that I stay on the straightandnarrow. Now while, that is extremely understandable and commendable and makes me grateful, extremes should be avoided. As with double-standards. I shouldn't have to feel friggin' trapped in my own damn house. Because my parents don't want me to end up pregnant or w/e. Instilling common sense, is like that proverb that says" give a man a fish he eats for a day. teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime". Instill the common sense, and I'll know how to live. But trying to shelter me, especially at my damn age? Reprehensible. And because of these restrictions, it places a strain on my union with him. If he wants to see me, I have to think of how I can get out of the house (Isn't that a trip?), or have to meet at in a well thought-out place to avoid confrontations, conflicts or issues with my parents. So my imprisonment stretches out and grasps him, because he can't be free with me the way we should be. No matter how much I feel as if I'm not important to him as I once was, or how much I love and want to love him, I cannot ignore the fact, that me holding on to him, and dragging him into my prison cell is not fair. I realized that if I truly want him to be happy and free, that this happiness and freedom might just not be experienced with me. I can't give him all that he wants and needs. Heartbreaking. The roll of the thunder that just sounded outside rolls in synch with hum drum, shallow saddened rhythm of my heart. I loveeeeee himmmmm.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"I think that one of the worst feelings, is to feel unimportant to someone who means a lot to you. Despite if they show it in their actions or their words, the pain is just as bad. Especially, if disconnecting yourself is not necessarily the easiest thing to do. I HATE the feeling of me being played. It doesn't even evoke any kind of emotion of sadness, just pure hatred. To play someone, you really have to be a master in the art of being FAKE. And faceitous people, really to me, almost don't exist. Simply because I don't know who they are, and they dont have the guts to show who they really are. For whatever reason people do it, its all the same. And I will always hate it. The best way to ostrasize someone."
I wrote this in an entry sometime in July. And its the best way to describe the way I feel right now. That post, and the Bitty Mclean song that I posted yesterday equals me right now. Its ahh. Sad is the only word that I can think to describe it as. No need for fancy smancy words to analyze my emotions that I'm feeling. Its just sad. I can feel myself shutting down and becoming distant, as I always do whenever I reach this point with a relationship that I have with someone ( family not included). Sad, because the love I feel hasn't really changed, the love I want to feel with him, hasn't gone away. All the things that I want to do with him, I still want to do. Its hard for me to try to let go, because when J and I started together, something told me that he would be nothing short of special. And beautiful. Special and beautiful. He managed to change my mind about me being in a relationship. I feel like I'm living in two different worlds. As if I'm two different girls! One girl, head over heels in love, anxious and excited to be consumed by all that this "love" thing has to offer. The other girl, feels like she's in a toxic, non-progressive union, hurting that she has to let go of another relationship and her first love. I haven't spoken to him about it, yet, but I know how J is. I already know how the conversation is going to go. Sad. I'll be listening to this "Walk Away From Love" song until I can't handle it anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Its such an amazing feeling to find a song that can speak your emotions just as well as you can. It really leaves me without anything to say, because all that I have to say, is being put to melody and harmonies
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I Love You
One day, J sang this song to me. Lol it was funny, charming and pleasing all at the same time. Ill never forget it. And even when we are fighting I still listen to it. He says that he feels that I don't show him that I love him. And I dont know how I can show him anymore than I try. My parental limits are still enforced despite my pending grown-assness, and I can't help but to be an obedient child. But none the less I do love him. 8 months for us today.
Its hard. Really hard. To stay on the straight and narrow. Today really wasn't a good day for me in this regard. The saying 'bad habits die hard' is truth. Especially when they are habits that are old. Old+Bad= Lethal Combination. So here I am tonight. Feeling slightly tired, with my bad habits nagging at me like some kind of nasty pest. Its a love/hate relationship that I have with this "habit". Its bittersweet just like Kanye said. I love you and hate you at the very same time. And the sad thing is, I really can't shake it. And if I were to say that I actually want to, might be more than a little white lie. Which within itself is spiritually dangerous. Maybe even spiritual suicide, as it indicates that a part of me, just doesn't want to let go, despite of its detriment to me.
So right now, I don't know what to do. Because I don't feel as if I can approach God right now, because repentance and regret are two different things. Not synonyms. Plus, this "habit" isn't something that I think I can let go of. Which, I must say that I hate because its killing me. I don't know what I'm going to do.
So right now, I don't know what to do. Because I don't feel as if I can approach God right now, because repentance and regret are two different things. Not synonyms. Plus, this "habit" isn't something that I think I can let go of. Which, I must say that I hate because its killing me. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Randomness
FREEDOM. SWEEEEEEET FREEEEDOMMMMM. WHEN WILL YOU COMMEEEE??
Freedom for ME at this moment, minute, SECOND in my life is partly defined by my own means to mobility. AKA. Leaving and coming whenever the HELL I please. Like. ARGH. I hate having to wait to run an errand. Especially if I find it of high importance. Waiting for a car to drive, waiting for the BUS. I. HATE. IT. Drives me insaneeeeeee. I really cannot wait until the day that I can go and say, hmm, I would like to leave right now actually. And up and out the door I go. Ahhhh that will be the dayyyyyy!
In other news, I really have a true love affair budding between me and reggae music. My culture is one of the things that I am most thankful for. Even though someJamaicans are the most violent people in the world (literally) and I would NEVER in my life live on that island, the culure itself is beautiful. Which explains my love for reggae music. Such beautfiul music!!!
This calms me righhhhttt down makes me feel sooooooooo NICE. Its a soul pleaser and nostalgia of my childhood all wrapped up in one. The man who dances with me to this song, WILL be my husband. I will completely ignore the fact that I don't even know if I want that marriage thing, he will win my heart, being, soul, mind, body, life, name, house, cars, money and alllllllll of that. I remeber one time, I was at a house party. It was my ex-friends neighbour, who coicindentally went to our highschool. Now, despite the fact that her mom was up in arms because the host didnt have permission to have the party, as SOON as this song came on... I couldn't control my actions, my body started dancing, my mind knew I had to leave. It was a beautiful Catch 22.
Freedom for ME at this moment, minute, SECOND in my life is partly defined by my own means to mobility. AKA. Leaving and coming whenever the HELL I please. Like. ARGH. I hate having to wait to run an errand. Especially if I find it of high importance. Waiting for a car to drive, waiting for the BUS. I. HATE. IT. Drives me insaneeeeeee. I really cannot wait until the day that I can go and say, hmm, I would like to leave right now actually. And up and out the door I go. Ahhhh that will be the dayyyyyy!
In other news, I really have a true love affair budding between me and reggae music. My culture is one of the things that I am most thankful for. Even though someJamaicans are the most violent people in the world (literally) and I would NEVER in my life live on that island, the culure itself is beautiful. Which explains my love for reggae music. Such beautfiul music!!!
This calms me righhhhttt down makes me feel sooooooooo NICE. Its a soul pleaser and nostalgia of my childhood all wrapped up in one. The man who dances with me to this song, WILL be my husband. I will completely ignore the fact that I don't even know if I want that marriage thing, he will win my heart, being, soul, mind, body, life, name, house, cars, money and alllllllll of that. I remeber one time, I was at a house party. It was my ex-friends neighbour, who coicindentally went to our highschool. Now, despite the fact that her mom was up in arms because the host didnt have permission to have the party, as SOON as this song came on... I couldn't control my actions, my body started dancing, my mind knew I had to leave. It was a beautiful Catch 22.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Boreedddommm
This is what always happens to me when it nears the end of summer. I become bored with everything and nothing excites me. This is also what happens when you have no money. Speaking of which, I quit my non-income-giving job last monday. Saturday was my last day. I'm figuring that I might as well stop looking for mediocre jobs and start building my resume for law school. And it wouldn't hurt getting a good wage at the same time. I just don't know where to connect some networks. This is why I hate summer sometimes!
My entire outlook on everything is just changing. I read over some of my previous posts, and the way that I feel now about those same things are soooo different that my countenance now. From the way I feel about myself, my past, people I used to know, my attitude towards J...everything just...different. Hey, I am NOT complaining. It's about time they changed anyways.
So, J and I haven't been on the uppity of uppities, but this love that I am feeling is still so powerful. It just doesn't die. And the more that my being is engulfed into it, the more that I am urged to discover all the things that can be discovered with another person and in another person. I haven't seen in in more than a few weeks now, and my body is longing for him. To even just be beside me. Just the thought of me knowing that if I want to, I could touch him because he's there, is so comforting to me. And it always seems to solve our problems. Whenever we have issues, or we are fighting, whenever we get together the issues just disspate. Its a great feeling. I think that I will reach ultimate Utopia on the day that I close my eyes and fall asleep in his arms. I am experiencing such relaxing satisfying emotions right now. Its amazing. Having someone to love is a beautiful feeling.
Chrisette takes the words right out of my mouth right now
Chrisette takes the words right out of my mouth right now
Monday, August 11, 2008
I Was Right!
So, a few posts ago, I was writting about that reality show in MTV, From G's To Gents, and how the appear to be SO fake. Well, my hunch was rooted in truth! So, on saturday night, my brother, his best friend, myself, and my cousin were watching ATL, the movie, and LOOOOOO and behold, up shows KESAN. Mind you, ATL came out more than a year before G's to Gents was even being promoted.
FAKEFAKEFAKEFAKEFAKEFAKE!!!!!!!!
Reality TV is just a sham!
FAKEFAKEFAKEFAKEFAKEFAKE!!!!!!!!
Reality TV is just a sham!
Today Was A Good Day.
So, I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty good and pretty different. I don't know if that has to do with the fact that I realized that God has to be in my life or if my eyes were opened by humility, but either way my overall attitude is just different. The way I feel inside, is just...different. I really want to be on that road of change until I reach the destination of success. Im just doing things in various different ways, major and minor. Just jingling up the way I do things. Starting to live. Positively. Today is my girls birthday, she turned 19. She's a good friend. Lol we have so many laughs. Have been throughhh some issshhhh and always sit down together and look at the way life has shown itself to be. I love her! And her style is soooooo crazy. I envy her behind doors, because flashy, classic, cooool style is just natural to her. Cool GIRL!
But, I'm not sure if I'll be staying for long, theres some planning that I want to do.. relative to what my last post was about. But I'm starting to get to the point where I'm cool with being with only me. I say that to mean that I don't need to make sure that me and someone are on good terms in order for me to do things, even as simple as enjoying my day. It's weird to feel this way, and even more so to notice it, because being on good terms with someone was ALWAYS a priority. If me and J were having an issue, say I felt like he didn't want to talk to me, or was just acting in a manner that annoyed me, there is no way that I could brush it off. It HAD to be dealt with at that moment in time, often leading to a fight.
Now, I'm not sure if I care. I have somewhere to go, someone to be, and harboring any kind of negativity, despite the VARIOUS ways that it shows up, is not some thing that I need to do. I need to make sure that I know at allllll times what needs my focus and what does not. I can't wait around anymore for people to determine that I'm worthy enough to be in their life.
**EDIT: Wrong words used! Its not that I don't care when J and I have an issue. I lied. I do care, everytime. It's rather that I don't let it get to the point where I can't function and that I'm soo upset, or sad, or depressed that I can't do anything until the situation is solved. I went to tooo far off an extreme by saying that I don't care. It's not that I don't care, its just that I won't let it make me go insane. Literally. I could'nt mean it when I say that I love him, but yet not care at all, or as I had worded, not know if I care to try to work things out or deal with those issues just because I have a destiny to fulfill. Thats not reality. That they want to dedicate themselves as much as I have, or shown that I potentially can, towards them. Since I wrote the post a last month, about me finding my value and my worth once again, this intrinsic confidence has risen up within me, that basically, has led me to realize that I do deserve to have the best. I don't want, need or deserve mediocracy from people, so I really don't care to have it. I'm just going to go on doing and living ME. And looking back over the past few weeks, the past few months, the past few years, my GOODNESS! There have been SO many things, that I poured myself into. Like water in a rainstorm, poured. Things completely undeserving. Cost me some friends, who I let go in my immaturity. Man, I wish I could just apologize, wholeheartedly. I won't make those mistakes again.
Thinking about it, I do know why I feel so good. One Source that cannot go unrecognized or unacknowledged. The touch that God can give you, when you try to connect with him or even just reach out, should never be under-estimated. My relationship with Him is going to have to be something that I have an entry about next.
P.s. I REALLY love the colour purple. Not talking about the movie here, though. :)
But, I'm not sure if I'll be staying for long, theres some planning that I want to do.. relative to what my last post was about. But I'm starting to get to the point where I'm cool with being with only me. I say that to mean that I don't need to make sure that me and someone are on good terms in order for me to do things, even as simple as enjoying my day. It's weird to feel this way, and even more so to notice it, because being on good terms with someone was ALWAYS a priority. If me and J were having an issue, say I felt like he didn't want to talk to me, or was just acting in a manner that annoyed me, there is no way that I could brush it off. It HAD to be dealt with at that moment in time, often leading to a fight.
Now, I'm not sure if I care. I have somewhere to go, someone to be, and harboring any kind of negativity, despite the VARIOUS ways that it shows up, is not some thing that I need to do. I need to make sure that I know at allllll times what needs my focus and what does not. I can't wait around anymore for people to determine that I'm worthy enough to be in their life.
**EDIT: Wrong words used! Its not that I don't care when J and I have an issue. I lied. I do care, everytime. It's rather that I don't let it get to the point where I can't function and that I'm soo upset, or sad, or depressed that I can't do anything until the situation is solved. I went to tooo far off an extreme by saying that I don't care. It's not that I don't care, its just that I won't let it make me go insane. Literally. I could'nt mean it when I say that I love him, but yet not care at all, or as I had worded, not know if I care to try to work things out or deal with those issues just because I have a destiny to fulfill. Thats not reality. That they want to dedicate themselves as much as I have, or shown that I potentially can, towards them. Since I wrote the post a last month, about me finding my value and my worth once again, this intrinsic confidence has risen up within me, that basically, has led me to realize that I do deserve to have the best. I don't want, need or deserve mediocracy from people, so I really don't care to have it. I'm just going to go on doing and living ME. And looking back over the past few weeks, the past few months, the past few years, my GOODNESS! There have been SO many things, that I poured myself into. Like water in a rainstorm, poured. Things completely undeserving. Cost me some friends, who I let go in my immaturity. Man, I wish I could just apologize, wholeheartedly. I won't make those mistakes again.
Thinking about it, I do know why I feel so good. One Source that cannot go unrecognized or unacknowledged. The touch that God can give you, when you try to connect with him or even just reach out, should never be under-estimated. My relationship with Him is going to have to be something that I have an entry about next.
P.s. I REALLY love the colour purple. Not talking about the movie here, though. :)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Revelational Thoughts
So, its been a little while since I last wrote. Since I last wrote I've gone on a little vacation (:D sooo relaxing), spent a good amount of time with myself, with my mind, my family and experiencing some {much needed} revelations. I spent some timem thinking about whether or not I really needed to have a blog, because I really don't even think that theres anyone reading it, and that if I need to put my life literally in front of my eyes, so that I can get a complete grasp on where my life needs to go, then thats fine. But I don't need to do that in in front of people that I don't know. I'm not really a fan of airing out my business, like I see most blogs do. Which is another reason why I didn't bother writing on here for so long. So, I guess I'm going to stop airing myself out the way I do, and speak in mainly ambigous terms, or maybe one day, I just might stop writing on here all together and just do daily entries on my computer, save them in my documents.
So, that being said, I've realized that I need to make sure at all times, that I keep myself in check with reality. Its so easy to become disillusion when you're figuring out who you are as a person and defining the relationships that you have with other people. I realized something great the other day. I was having a really bad day at work, the only hostess working, and I just couldn't do anything right. And right in the middle of this "do-nothing-right" day, I realized that this great person that I think that I am becoming, is completely non- existent without God. I've been living my life for the past little while, thinking that I could get on and get on WELL without the instruction, wisdom, guidance and interference of God. It's NOT working. My mom was essentially right when she said that I was heading down the path of destruction. She just didn't say it, in a way that could hit me in my face. They say that God helps those who help themselves. But the key part of that saying is GOD HELPS. There is a verse in the book of Proverbs that says essentially, "the ways unto man are death, but the instruction of the Lord is eternal life" I think it is. But, the part that I'm really starting to understand, is that the ways unto man are DEATH. I can't do this "life" thing alone. So from now on, I'm not going to. I know the person that I need, want, desire and aspire to be and I can't be that without God. So, I'm going to have to get myself into the mindset, that God is my be all and end all, and that its not just saying. It's truth that I need to live my life after. So that means, whatever poses a threat to this, needs to go. Because in my mentality, whenever I set out a goal, and I don't accomplish it, no matter what it is, then I am NOTHING MORE than a failure. No matter what it is. So the goal that I've set for myself to be as a person, if that goal is not met then I've failed myself GREATLY. And I don't know how I could EVER live with that, because I couldn't. And if I need God to be thing person, then whoever/ whatever poses themselves as a threat, is reversely posing a threat to their well-being, because I wont take that lightly or sitting down.
So it was as I has this revelation that I recieved deeper one, pertaining to the person that I currently am. And since I started to think that I am this great person, I became ignorant of this ugly person that I have within me. It's always whenever I became disconnected with reality, that I just morph into this ugly person. J brought it to my attention that I only complain about him. Which at the time, I said wasn't true and that its only because I can't handle people trying to walk all over me. Which is true, but only to a certain point and in a different sense. I do complain about a lot of stuff, that especially have to do with him. I forgot how completely self-less he has been towards me, even with small things. I've been so concentrated on having a relationship that equates to nothing less that perfection, that I've become to focused on his faults, and not focused enough on the things that I love about him. I am in a very repentant state regarding to this. Because I've treated him so badly, all because I've been so hung up on having perfection. I wish there were words that show greater emotion and repentance, that I'm sorry or I apologize. When I feel these ways, those words just don't cut it for me. I don't know how I could show him my regret and my appreciation. I don't even know if I have the time.
The thought that he presented to me revealed something else to me, that I have made clearly obvious on here. In me thinking that I'm grown, I've just over-exaggerated everything. My issues with J, most specifically. We are both 18, barely even started on our way to adulthood and life in general. Things are NOT that serious for us. We do strive to develop a relationship with each other and be committed. But there is a definite and obvious danger in taking things tooo serious. Which is what I have done, there is nothing wrong with with showing your emotions. But being too extra, is not necessary. I need to learn how to become a person who has the immeadiate reaction to assess the level of emotional reaction that is needed. I am so embarrased of those entries, because if J were to read it, I would be hurt to know that I said those things about him. Communication is key. All needed to do was communicate. We were talking to each other, not communicating. I only wish that I have enough time to do that with him.
Daily, I continue to grow and learn. Learn and grow. I am trying to take things slow. Because learnin is not as quick as a finger-snap. Which is what I'm learning about life. Learning and changing, not finger-snap quick at all. All that said, my heart is with J. A person that I'm growing to love, who is showing me in this relationship who I am, where I need to go, how I can grow, and what needs to change. And just the fact, that he is helping me learn what love and a relationship is, and how to love, blows my mind. I never thought that this would be happening to me!
So, that being said, I've realized that I need to make sure at all times, that I keep myself in check with reality. Its so easy to become disillusion when you're figuring out who you are as a person and defining the relationships that you have with other people. I realized something great the other day. I was having a really bad day at work, the only hostess working, and I just couldn't do anything right. And right in the middle of this "do-nothing-right" day, I realized that this great person that I think that I am becoming, is completely non- existent without God. I've been living my life for the past little while, thinking that I could get on and get on WELL without the instruction, wisdom, guidance and interference of God. It's NOT working. My mom was essentially right when she said that I was heading down the path of destruction. She just didn't say it, in a way that could hit me in my face. They say that God helps those who help themselves. But the key part of that saying is GOD HELPS. There is a verse in the book of Proverbs that says essentially, "the ways unto man are death, but the instruction of the Lord is eternal life" I think it is. But, the part that I'm really starting to understand, is that the ways unto man are DEATH. I can't do this "life" thing alone. So from now on, I'm not going to. I know the person that I need, want, desire and aspire to be and I can't be that without God. So, I'm going to have to get myself into the mindset, that God is my be all and end all, and that its not just saying. It's truth that I need to live my life after. So that means, whatever poses a threat to this, needs to go. Because in my mentality, whenever I set out a goal, and I don't accomplish it, no matter what it is, then I am NOTHING MORE than a failure. No matter what it is. So the goal that I've set for myself to be as a person, if that goal is not met then I've failed myself GREATLY. And I don't know how I could EVER live with that, because I couldn't. And if I need God to be thing person, then whoever/ whatever poses themselves as a threat, is reversely posing a threat to their well-being, because I wont take that lightly or sitting down.
So it was as I has this revelation that I recieved deeper one, pertaining to the person that I currently am. And since I started to think that I am this great person, I became ignorant of this ugly person that I have within me. It's always whenever I became disconnected with reality, that I just morph into this ugly person. J brought it to my attention that I only complain about him. Which at the time, I said wasn't true and that its only because I can't handle people trying to walk all over me. Which is true, but only to a certain point and in a different sense. I do complain about a lot of stuff, that especially have to do with him. I forgot how completely self-less he has been towards me, even with small things. I've been so concentrated on having a relationship that equates to nothing less that perfection, that I've become to focused on his faults, and not focused enough on the things that I love about him. I am in a very repentant state regarding to this. Because I've treated him so badly, all because I've been so hung up on having perfection. I wish there were words that show greater emotion and repentance, that I'm sorry or I apologize. When I feel these ways, those words just don't cut it for me. I don't know how I could show him my regret and my appreciation. I don't even know if I have the time.
The thought that he presented to me revealed something else to me, that I have made clearly obvious on here. In me thinking that I'm grown, I've just over-exaggerated everything. My issues with J, most specifically. We are both 18, barely even started on our way to adulthood and life in general. Things are NOT that serious for us. We do strive to develop a relationship with each other and be committed. But there is a definite and obvious danger in taking things tooo serious. Which is what I have done, there is nothing wrong with with showing your emotions. But being too extra, is not necessary. I need to learn how to become a person who has the immeadiate reaction to assess the level of emotional reaction that is needed. I am so embarrased of those entries, because if J were to read it, I would be hurt to know that I said those things about him. Communication is key. All needed to do was communicate. We were talking to each other, not communicating. I only wish that I have enough time to do that with him.
Daily, I continue to grow and learn. Learn and grow. I am trying to take things slow. Because learnin is not as quick as a finger-snap. Which is what I'm learning about life. Learning and changing, not finger-snap quick at all. All that said, my heart is with J. A person that I'm growing to love, who is showing me in this relationship who I am, where I need to go, how I can grow, and what needs to change. And just the fact, that he is helping me learn what love and a relationship is, and how to love, blows my mind. I never thought that this would be happening to me!
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