If I Only Things Could Be, They Way They Should Be

I have a video that I want to put on here, but it just doesn't seem to be working for me. I REALLY want to put on Maxwells' This Womans Work, because its explains all that I could want to say, all that I've wanted to say for the past 15 hours of my life. All the words that I should be told. Emotions that I feel should be aimed towards me, based on the most recent predicament that I found myself in. Instead, I face unadulterated apathy. Disregard. Unapologetic. Unregrettable. I can't even withdraw enough emotion to be mad. I'm just tired now. I'm going to have to try it from my other computer, because I need to put the video on here.



Side note: I'm watchingMTV right now, and all these rich, spoiled, shallow kid reality shows are becoming a LITTLE bit much. How much of the same groups in different locations do they thing that thegenereal public can really handle? I won't lie, back in highschool days, Laguna Beach and The Hills was a MUST on I think Monday nights? But now, they have FOUR of the same shows INCLUDING a show from the UK. Enough is enough!

Rain on Me

For a little while now, things have just not been on the up and up...I can't say that its driving me crazy, its not evoking those kind of emotions. Its frustrating to say the least. They say that when it rains, it pours. So true, so true. But, I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

Daily Random:

<-- Me ..one day

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a style icon. Alwayssss. I think about it all the time. Now of course, the main thing blocking me is that I just don't have the money to do it. I find myself sometimes going on style.com or the Chanel website or watching fashion television. I hope one day I can fulfill my dreams of becoming a fashionista in my own little world... One day, one day..

Its not what you know.. Its who you know.

I am currently working at my 3rd job since summer of 2006. So far, I have hated all three of them. The one that I working at right now, is a restaurant without very much regard for their employees. No ending time for your shift is EVER guaranteed. For example, yesterday I started at 5:30 and finished at 7:26. Less than two hours. How can anyone expect to make a significant income off an unsure/unsteady paycheck? You could come in 5 times a week and yet work only 10 hours. So, me being me, I'm back on the block looking for a job. The biggest thing that I hate about searching and getting a job, is that the most important thing is not what you have done or better yet, what you can do, its who you know, that can get you in. : . Drives me crazy. I can spend counteless hours serarching for jobs on the internet, handing out resumes, calling possible employers, when I could spend a 10th of that time getting a job by simply talking to a connection or acquaintance. Now that would all work in my favour, IF I had these connections/ acquaintances. I always wonder why I never have any, and I start to think that its because I'm lazy. *He* has all these cards in his wallet of Real Estate Reps, that he knows from all over the place. Some how, he manages to network even in a bookstore (real story). But yet, I can't manage to get myself out there. Maybe that should be my second new goal for this year, to make sure that I get out there, probably by myself, and network . I really have to do that. And soon. Right now, I'm not trying to continue to do jobs that are not adding to my crudentials (?) for the future that I have planned for myself. Working at a restaurant, working in a grocery store, is not going to do that for me.

Lol Reality shows these days are a joke. So Im downstairs in the basement, watching tv. And I catch a new one today. SOOO MTV, has "From G's To Gents" hosted by Fonsworth Bentley. Now, don't get it twisted, I think that Fonsworth is kind of cool. His attitude, style, and just demeanor is .. cool. But these "G's" look SO fake that it is actually humorous. And thats coming from someone who grew up in a predominant white neighbourhood in a suburb in Ontario. And to ME they look so fake. Lol fake accents, fake "gangter/ghetto" attitudes, fake bling, kaje swagger and probably a fake drunk that I'm seeing slurr-ly talking right now. Is this is what modern- day entertainment really is? Transforming no- mannered people into men that can talk properly? And I know I'm being a hypocrite right now, because I'll probably watch this, until I get sick of it. Unless I find it funny, then I'll probably never stop watching it.
Ahhh entertainment today so perculiar! Lol so full of NOTHING, but yet people can't stop watching them. I'm tired... It's been a tiring few days. Bed time for me!

Maturity is inevitable..

Sometimes there are somethings, that altough they are well known, its as if, despite how much people say it, and throw it around, it will remain foreign to people until they have to deal with. I think one of these things for me, is that maturity = keeping my mouth closed. <-- for more than one reason. Right now, keeping my mouth closed means not complaining. I think that complaining must be an internal, natural human characteristic. Because despite as much I don't even want to acknowledge my emotions right now, they are pressing me to share the cause of their presence with other people. Now, in the past I 've been guilty about not giving *him the credit that he deserves. Instead, I choose to tell my confidantes things that he had done to irk my nerves. Now, although, right now, I have a good reason to be upset. A REALLY good reason, I'm beggining to think that I'm too old for the bagging-someone else/ complaining thing. I'm just not feeling it anymore.

Emotion and Logic Should be like Oil and Water

I have a new goal. Inspired from emotional outburts that I have had, emotional rants, and emotions wasted, I 'm going to train myself to control my emotions and keep them seperate from reality and disable them from affecting my logic and rationale. I need to learn how to keep my emotions under control and display them only when necessary. For you see, right now I'm upset. Its a horrible emotional mixture of being very worried , very angry, and very let down. Its a toxic mix, that leaves you unable to focus on one emotion. Also leaves your insides confused. The three emotions are almost polar opposites. My rational voice is fighting to get through. And its strugging to say the least. Trying to tell me to calm down, to focus on other things, and ignore the situation. But its easier said than done.
I was also thinking about the "discussion" that I had with my mom, and realized that my emotions were out of control. I couldn't keep a level head. I think this aspiration should be one of my top personal goals for 2008. This is something that I REALLY need to work on. Lower my sensitivity and know how to keep my emotions under control, without having to do erratic or eccentric activities to do so. Just having the bare mind power to do it. Or not even that much work. Just me having the internal instinct to do it.

Relevational Thoughts

The other day, I had a massssiveee fight with my mom. Probably the biggest that I can remember. Ever. Now even though I was mad with her approach, and the main thing that she was approaching me with, she opened my eyes none the less. Opened my eyes to realize that I had been playing myself for way too long. Again. Accepting and embracing way less than what I am worth. Now something that I never want to be labeled as is conceited. Mainly because I hate conceited people. And would hate to be one of them. BUT, that being said, I know what I'm worth. At least, I remember now. The goals that I have for myself. The vision that I have of the person that I should be in 5,10,15 years. The person that I aspire to be both personally and professionally. The goals that I have accomplished thus far. The things that I desire to accomplish (which exede the limitations of only the professional world) as a person living in this world. Are amazing. I've played myself. I personally believe that it worse to play your OWN self, to decieve your OWN self, than to have others do it to you. If a significant other plays or decieves you, then at least, you can walk away, leaving that person for ever. Now, essentially, you could leave a part of yourself behind in the same manner. Leaving the toxic part that enabled you to deceive yourself, is easier said than done. Internal changes are for the most part, much harder than external ones. You know, a few weeks ago at church, a visiting minister said that "the worst thing about deception is deception. Because you don't even know that you are being/ have been deceived." And that is probably the most truthful, most real statement that I've heard of 2008. I allowed myself to be deceived by an image and feelings and a "truth" that was completely fabricated. And in doing that, I forget my VALUE! You know there are things that every girl can do. But not every girl is of worth. Not every girl has aspirations of nothing less than success on her own terms. Not every girl has dreams that are holistic to her own being. Appealing to not only her a professional and financial success, but also an internal, perspnal success and ultimate satisfaction. I forgot to remind myself that I am not every girl. Although I allowed myself to be treated like on, I simply am not. The idea of me being like every single other girl went out of the window as soon as I decided, that the personI was to be right now and the person I am to be in the future, would not be just an ordinary person, who had ordinary goals, and was satisfied with ordinary satisfaction, on any level. Allowing myself to be treated by as if I'm any old girl, was a betrayal to my value. I 've been settling for treatment, and relationships and people that I shouldn't be dealing with. Period. I 'm too good for that.

I need to teach myself when to fight and when to digress. The thought of this, is like an art to me. Especially, being an aggressive, for lack of better words, person. Knowing the exact moment when to attack. And knowing when it really isn't worth it. I look at my last few {angry} posts, and I realize that I struggle with developing that ability. I think about the arguments that I have with people, I need to unwind myself and stop being so (a) confrontational and (b) defensive all the time. Lol, this ability seems to be an art to me also. I'll learn.

Thank goodness, for those people who can give you illuminating information on aspects that you would otherwise never think of, or know. In my "rage", I managed to realize that I needed to seriously think things through. So I texted the only guy friend that I knew that could help me out to penetrate the male psyche. And that he did. He gave me some outlooks that I had never thought of, pertaining to my situation, which helped me to open my eyes. Its great to have those kind of people around. My aunt serves the same purpose also. Shows me different perspectives that I'm going to have to take into account as an adult and mature being. So that I can in turn understand and comprehend the actions, beliefs, mannerisms and behaviour of other adults, most specifically speaking my parents.

I guess I have to apologize to myself, for forsaking my rational thought before divulging into an unsatiable appetite for anger and discontentment. But then again, I'm human, and even more so, I'm NOT a male. Therefore, I function in a total different and foreign way. I guess the "giving up" quote got the better hold of me. I just hope that when I go to talk to my significant one, that he actually opens up to me, talks to be, and tries to help me to be with him, in the best way possible. As opposed to just being evasive and ignoring what I'm saying, because I have a feeling that I'll end up right back in the emotional state of the last two posts.

Its time to start praying to God for wisdom.

Thank you JH!

I'll never understand how one person can let you down so much. Disappoint you to no end. I digress.

Continued..

My frustration knows no end. Despite me saying, I'm past the "trying so hard" phase, I once again streched out my hand to work towards a solution. Put my anger aside. Admitted AND apologized for my downfalls. Yet LESS that 24 hours later, I'm right back in the same position that I was in this morning. Its ridiculous. It really is. So, these past few days, have been an eye opener for me. Its time. Things are done. I'm not stupid and I'm not oblivious. After awhile motives become clear, and his are like crystal. I can clearly see that he just wants an easy way out. He does not care to change or stop, neither does he DESIRE to care to change or stop, the actions that he does that I have TOLD him hurt me, disappoint me, or just flat out piss me the hell off. I cannot imagine how many times I have sat and tried relentlessly to defend myself against, most especially and reoccuring, a puppy love relationship that ended OVER TWO YEARS AGO. MEANWHILE, my own insecurities about the 2.5 year+ relationship that HE had are easily ignored. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just leaving. There is no one on this planet that deserves the position in my life to impose such mental and emotional torture on me. It's not fair. And I have a passionate hatred for inequality, especially when its being presented against me. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not some stupid trick, who can't see things for what they are. Although, as I have admitted, I do tend to have my self-enforced delusions, I am NOT oblivious to see when I am no longer wanted, needed, or desired. I've been in this position before with an ex-friend. And I left. After 6 years of the most unique friendship that I have ever had. I left. I'm not taking it anymore.

PIssed the HELL OFF. That this is the ONLY solution that is being enforced. I'm 18 years old. And although the principle of the situation. The amount of elapsed time that we have been together is to small that its a failure within itself. I can't help but shake my head really. And as soon as I do that, disappointment tears flood my eyes.

I hate feeling like a quitter. As if I'm walking out on something/someone. Relationships whether love or platonic, are work. Pastor always says, you will get out what you put in. But, MUTUAL work is the key thing to notice. They require mutual input, mutual effort, mutual desire. While one says that “Walking away doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter, it means that you are intelligent enough to know when to quit.” While another says "Relationships take a lot of work and the reason why so many fail, is because people give up. It's really easy to give up. Too easy". They both appeal to my conscience. Even though I am so upset, the fact that both of these polar philosophies BOTH appeal to me, means something within itself.


So pissed off. Theres nothing left to say.

I am so frustrated right now, that I can barely function to speak. I will never understand how ONE person can drag you through such a roller coaster of emotion. From my last post until now, I've been from loving him, and wanting to give all my love to him, to coming the conclusion that my time here, our time here, is just about over. Never in my life will I understand people who choose to act like this. I can't even say " I'm trying so hard" because I'm way past that stage. Right now, I'm just tired, of trying to make it work with someone that REALLY doesn't care. It's really NOT that hard to notice an apathetic attitude when someone has one. Maybe he's just immature, and I'm really just seeing it now. Trying to put me on illegitmate guilt trips do not work. I completely take responsibility and accept my imperfections. But that being said, every single person on this planet should do the same, seeing as to how they are exactly in the same position as me. I'm sick of the guilt trips. " You don't want to talk to me", "You've changed." " You don't care about me anymore". I've spent so much time and energy trying to defend myself against this ONE person, for all these illegitimate claims, I'm telling you I'm livid. Tears are forced out of my eyes burning with complete and pure frustration.

I wanted something real. I wanted something that I could have, hold and cherish. I wanted something to call mine. Something made for me. I'm so disappointed. I've never been this disappointed. And if I have, ever in my life, felt this way, I clearly DON'T remember so it really doesn't compare. This is why I hold on. I want something real. A mature relationship, thats a pleasure and a treasure, that belongs to only me and that person. There is only so far that I can go. There is only so much emotion that I can give. I'm tired now. It would be a different situation, if we were BOTH working towards a solution. But, when I'm the only person that's willing to see things and call them out as they are, then the clock runs out even faster.

My frustration comes from my imminent disappointment. Why can't I just have ONE person, why can't I just have ONE damn person, ONE damn relationship that I can treasure? A lonely life is a painful one.

Truth Is

Truth be told, I miss his touch, I miss his love, I miss his arms, his warmth, his embrace, his presence. I miss being able to close my eyes, lose my body and just drift off, in his arms. Softness became such a comforter to me, either comforting my stress, my pain, my anger, or just being a covering to me, concealing emotions of love and passion and desire. I long for this. I long for him. I struggle to keep my mind in a well state, so that I can identify fradulence in emotion, but I long to lose myself in this world that is transparent to all, but my eyes, my being, my spirit, my heart. I long for this. I long for him. Connecting to each other, in our own special way, uniquely created for us, maintained by us. Dynamics known to only us, dynamics explored only by us. I Long for this. I miss him.

Maybe I am in love.

It Pains Me

So its been some time. I'm happy because I've finished my first year of university. After 10 months of grueling labour I can finally put down my pens, paper and leave microsoft word alone for the next 90+ days. Wont have that much of a summer since I'll be working 2 jobs to save for school. The captivity of university never ends I guess. since june 11, the main thing (aside from school) thats been on my priority list is my establishment with my significant other. For now, i'll choose to call it "establishment" because we don't have all the qualifications (in my opinion) to deem ourselves as being in a "relationship", at least right now. My thoughts at this moment are somewhat a branch-off of my last post, in regards to me leaving myself merciless to someone else. Its been 2 weeks and we have yet to have a decent, successful conversation on the phone that lasts longer than 5-10 minutes, for the most part that is. Maybe there was one or two calls in which we actually managed to speak to each other, with out one of us (99.9% -100% of the time being me) getting fed up with the blatant avoidance and evasiveness that i'm being presented. What is it that I'm trying to say? Basically (in a nut shell) my phone will ring. It will be him. I'll answer the phone, and he'll say, something that immediately presents the end of a conversation. Like a statement, where "i'll call you back" or "bye" are immient (sp?) to follow. Such as " oh, you're busy" *when CONSTANT and AGGRESSIVE assurance is given that i'm not* or "oh, you're sleeping" *when in fact I'm more than willing to make the sacrifice of an hour or two of sleep to spend time with the person that i care most about*. After a while, the same old routines get old, and even for the most disconnected person, motives become obvious.

So here I am, in this "establishment" feeling like there is no point for continuance. He feels like I don't want to be here. I feel like I dont know him and I'm more of a jump-off. But yet, I can't bring myself to let go. (stereo) Typical of a girl. I don't want to. and here is where the "merciless" issue comes into play. I question if i've lost myself or not because I was thought that waiting for someone else to up and drop, DESPITE the signs that I saw, was the worst and last thing for me to do. That they make the decisions. They call the shots on how much they get to use, abuse and kick me around, until its decided that enough is enough. I think that I've spent the past few months in a state of delusional delusion. That is to say, I've been delusional and blind to my own delusion and ignorance. Despite how much I said that I was and have been, I haven't been real with myself. Real with the reality of the relationships/ establishments that I am in. Especially with him. The reality is, things aren't that great for me to hold on for dear life. It hasn't been that long, there haven't been that many investments (from both parties), we aren't that deep in each other. Love is lost, love is gone. Drake said it best. I ignored my instincts when they told me that I was just his replacement girl, when he came out of his 2+ year relationship. Red flag painted transparent by my own desires. You know the more I think about it, I really havent' been that truthful to myself. I thought that I wasn't in this relationship for my own personal retribution and reassurance, that indeed someone can "love" and "want" me. After all I've been through with "friends" in the past, this kind of reassurance is probably the thing that I needed the most. But, what was the point in that? I'm in the same spot that I was in with them. Getting hurt, being wounded, and just brushing it off. For what reason? Because thats what you do in relationships? Take the pain and keep moving? How the hell would I know? It's only been my real first.

For the past year prior to getting into this establishment in December 07, the thought of ME being in a relationship truly disgusted me. Being tied down, being restricted from doing whatever I wanted to do (even as small as flirting how I wanted to). I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to manage in these kind of relationships. But how else would you know how to manage, unless you learned as you went along?

You know, despite my belief that part of me MAY be (not necessarily IS) in this establishment for my own reassurance, I know at least, that he was really cared for by me. My continuing connection to HIM (I continually questioned his), was based on the fact that I cared for him a lot. So much at times, I felt that I was actually going to explode. A feeling that supercedes any kind of pleasure but almost hurts at the same time. I was falling/fell in love. For the first time. And the fact of the matter is, it felt good to love someone. To want to give love to someone, to pour out love on someone, to devote my love to someone. Pleasured me just as much. Painfully enough, my euphoria never lasted for long, as my mind seems to be my enemy, reminding me that I always need to be on my best to remain in this competition that I feel like im in with his past.

I want it to work so badly. Funny how I've changed so much in the past year. To hating the thought of being in a relationship to having a burning to desire for this one to work. Just to work. For me to have that indescribable connection with someone. I could have sworn that its him. Am I in love? (Lol i sound so gay) or am I just attached? How do you differentiate the two?

Either way, it hurts. Tears fall, my heart breaks. Love or attachment, it still hurts.