What I want this much should never hurt this bad..
BitterSweet Poetry- Kanye West

Nothing else needed to be said.

Trust.

This week has been a really rough patch for us. It was the first time that I was feeling some of the emotions that I felt this week since we got together. They weren't feelings of anger or anything like it, but they definately weren't good ones. It was such a hard week. But, today as I realized that enough was enough and that it was time to do away with the whole situation, I decided that from now on I was going to do away with negative thinking. Me thinking negatively caused me a great deal of disturbance this week. So I'm not going to do it anymore. Whatever happens, is going to happen. If anything is going on in the dark, it will come out in the light. I am going to make a strong effort to stop thinking about all the what if's that could be happening, and trust my boyfriend. Trust him wholeheartedly. Trust him with more than just not talking to other girls. Trust him that he won't hurt me. Trust him that he will be there. Trust him when he tells me how he feels about me. Trust him to love me. Trust him to be real with me. I am just going to trust. Now, I realize that I could risk me getting burned, but really, its time for me to do away with my self-esteem issues and my overpowering doubts. I am going to trust. I refuse to let myself ruin this relationship. We have our problems, and we both bring some issues to the table, but I can't let something that is really so minimal to destroy the relationship with someone that I have grown to love. With a love that has transformed and matured me so much. There is no way. Let's keep working J, we can only reach there together.

Jesus touched me yesterday morning. And he took off the heaviest burden that I had been carrying around. I feel light and airy for lack of a better term. I feel clean, cleansed, free, open, just so light. And the way that I had been feeling, the weight that I had been carrying around, most of the time unknowingly, was something that only God could lift. And I'm thankful that He did. Its time for me and my life to make a 180, I've been going in the wrong direction for too long. It will be hard to go against the grain, but I have to do it. The burdens were too heavy.

You'll Never Find It.

So I was sitting in the car today, waiting for my mom to come out of Michaels, and I was seeing all these families come and park in the spaces surrounding the vehicle. And I got to thinking about what exactlty it is that persuades people to engage and locked themselves into matrimony. I started to think about the actual mental progression and development of a mans emotions as he began to entangle himself with a woman, who he would eventually come to see fit to be his life long companion and partner. I thought of the emotions that this man would have as he began to view this woman, as the most fit person that he has ever met to implant his seed within, and raise children. And then my mind took me back to a conversation that I had to with a guy that went to my high school. Now, the revelation that I had today, I am still trying to figure out of this is God giving me a revelation, or if its something else. So, high school friend, was explaining to me how he would like to find a girlfriend. Actually, I remember having this conversation twice, with two different people. And I had given them both the same response. Stop looking because, you won't find it, but rather it finds you. Now at the time, I was speaking half of the top of my head, and half from experience. But as I got to thinking about it today the thought occured to me: Eve was created for Adam. She was a complete compliment, engendered entity and companion to his being and existence. She wasn't something that Adam embarked on a journey to find. She was the highest form of gift that (pre-Christ's cruxifixion) God could give to a human being. If Adam, had decided that he was going to find himself a companion that embodies Eve, he would have never found it, because she wasn't to be found, but rather something that was given. For something that is made for you, specially crafted from who you are and for who you are, how can you ever find it? And this is why, you'll never "find" love. But, rather its given to you, and out of the two, you finding it and it finding you, it can only find you. But, even still, its not even found, just given when it is right. What a gift from God. And, now I am realizing, why people pray and search God, when desiring a life-companion. He has to give you your own Eve (not speakning gender-specific here, just in abstract terms). Thats why you'll never find it. To speak basically, no one with good self-esteem goes looking for compliments, at least authentic ones that is. They are all, always given.

What I Really Meant Was,

"Up and down, up and down go my emotions. Lol maybe I'm bi-polar. I dont know. Is this how love is? A little confusing, ever complicated? My posts are evidence to the fact that my emotions can go from angry to heads over heels in love, in one night. Now, I can explain and pin point WHY this happens, but HOW is still a mystery."


I really have to work on my communication skills! I wrote this some time in August, and reading it over again, I realize that I'm sending out a msg that really contradicts most of the things that I say on here... Lol as if anyone is reading it anyways... but, "here" is for me anyways.. so w.e... But, in this little paragraph, my words had meanings that I realize can only be really understood if I were to openly have a conversation about someone about these things. So, that being said, I'll do some editing right now. I meant to say how I feel.
"I feel love. I feel its warmth, its beauty, its comfort. I feel it in my heart, and deep in my being. I get angry sometimes, I'm really happy sometimes, I get hurt sometimes, and feel wonderful at others, but I am never cold, never ugly, and never lonley, because it doesn't leave. I don't think that love is an emotion. Emotions change, love is constant. Should be tested, but if its real, how can it waver? Confusion comes with emotions bombarding a mind. Truth and sureity come with reallness. And can love really be anything except for real? For if its not real, then can it really be love? I doubt it. Unless, its taken and broken, which is another patch of roses, all together. The work for us all, that we too often skip over, is determining the reality of the love that claim to feel so strongly. Its my first time being in love, but I'm learning as I go along. Learning about myself, learning about you, learning about human connections, learning about relationships, learning about love."

I may get hurt, and get angry, and show my emotion (as the person that I am cannot hold it in) but know that I love you, know that I am in love with you, and know that through my emotion, I am still loving you.

Its Time!

I am SO BORED OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I know, that I must be thankful, that I even HAVE life, and for that I am. But I have really grown out of this phase that I have been in for the past year. The, just-me-by-my-lonesome-being-a-homebody phase. I am so ready to network, to meet people, to make movements, to get out there. Not really to club though.. That clubbing thing isn't for me. A lounge, maybe, a nice low-key, chilled setting with jazz or neo-soul music, DEFINATELY, a club.. maybe not. I'm really itching to just get out there. I have made a mental note for the past few weeks while I have been focusing my mind on getting ready for school, I have been making mental notes to make the absolute MOST of my school year, keeping my priorities and my mind straight. But getting out there, doing things that I have never done, stepping out of my little comfort box, that I have so conviently made for myself. It is SO time for this.

Life sometimes gets boring.