Continued..

My frustration knows no end. Despite me saying, I'm past the "trying so hard" phase, I once again streched out my hand to work towards a solution. Put my anger aside. Admitted AND apologized for my downfalls. Yet LESS that 24 hours later, I'm right back in the same position that I was in this morning. Its ridiculous. It really is. So, these past few days, have been an eye opener for me. Its time. Things are done. I'm not stupid and I'm not oblivious. After awhile motives become clear, and his are like crystal. I can clearly see that he just wants an easy way out. He does not care to change or stop, neither does he DESIRE to care to change or stop, the actions that he does that I have TOLD him hurt me, disappoint me, or just flat out piss me the hell off. I cannot imagine how many times I have sat and tried relentlessly to defend myself against, most especially and reoccuring, a puppy love relationship that ended OVER TWO YEARS AGO. MEANWHILE, my own insecurities about the 2.5 year+ relationship that HE had are easily ignored. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just leaving. There is no one on this planet that deserves the position in my life to impose such mental and emotional torture on me. It's not fair. And I have a passionate hatred for inequality, especially when its being presented against me. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not some stupid trick, who can't see things for what they are. Although, as I have admitted, I do tend to have my self-enforced delusions, I am NOT oblivious to see when I am no longer wanted, needed, or desired. I've been in this position before with an ex-friend. And I left. After 6 years of the most unique friendship that I have ever had. I left. I'm not taking it anymore.

PIssed the HELL OFF. That this is the ONLY solution that is being enforced. I'm 18 years old. And although the principle of the situation. The amount of elapsed time that we have been together is to small that its a failure within itself. I can't help but shake my head really. And as soon as I do that, disappointment tears flood my eyes.

I hate feeling like a quitter. As if I'm walking out on something/someone. Relationships whether love or platonic, are work. Pastor always says, you will get out what you put in. But, MUTUAL work is the key thing to notice. They require mutual input, mutual effort, mutual desire. While one says that “Walking away doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter, it means that you are intelligent enough to know when to quit.” While another says "Relationships take a lot of work and the reason why so many fail, is because people give up. It's really easy to give up. Too easy". They both appeal to my conscience. Even though I am so upset, the fact that both of these polar philosophies BOTH appeal to me, means something within itself.


So pissed off. Theres nothing left to say.