Selling MYSELF.

So, not even that much later than the post about musical "sell outs", I started to analyze myself, and question whether or not I am a sell out. So, the situation that occured (well today at least), was that, my friend asked me to basically spy on friend of mine, which is not really theirs anymore. From the jump off, the whole situation just did not sit well with me. I felt like a traitor, to the ex-friends trust. But yet i did it. Did it, so that i could make the other person happy? does ignoring my conscience, to make some one else happy, or refrained from being unhappy, make me a sell out? ignoring what i know is right, just for the sake of someone else? i think i did. intresting though, not the first time i've been in this situation, these guilty feelings are nothing new. did all throughout highschool. its funny. you think that you have gone and grown so far, only to be reminded in the simplest way, that you aren't as far as you thought. I can't do that ish anymore. Really, I'm too good to sell out so easily. Low self-confidence, will make you do some stupid things. Its always important to be REAL with yourself. See you for you. Not who you think you should be.

In other news...

I think that one of the worst feelings, is to feel unimportant to someone who means a lot to you. Despite if they show it in their actions or their words, the pain is just as bad. Especially, if disconnecting yourself is not necessarily the easiest thing to do. I HATE the feeling of me being played. It doesn't even evoke any kind of emotion of sadness, just pure hatred. To play someone, you really have to be a master in the art of being FAKE. And faceitous people, really to me, almost don't exist. Simply because I don't know who they are, and they dont have the guts to show who they really are. For whatever reason people do it, its all the same. And I will always hate it. The best way to ostrasize someone.

another thing.. i hate feeling vulnerable to people. as if i'm leaving myself merciless to you. but really, in most relationships, isn't hat what giving yourself is all about? when you trust someone with yourself, aren't you leaving yourself merciless, hoping that they don't hurt you? what a risk to take. the deciding factor between, whether you are going to really interact and develop relationships with people or whether you really are just going to stay out in a cave. if you don't want to be merciless, trust someone else with yourself, then you can't give yourself, if you do, then you give you self to them, leaving yourself at their dispension. thats probably the hardest thing to do after you;ve been backstabbed, lied to, cheated, hurt, manipulated. to get yourself to the point where you can final be at peace with whats happenED, and come to give yourself again. But if you find yourself inthe same position AGAIN. then, who is to blame? you, or the people that YOU know and attract. So many times, i've been tempted to just become a narcissist. self-centered, self-motivated, narcissist. but my conscience would NEVER let me live it down. so, i left myself merciless again. after MUCH debating, thinking and pondering. but, im starting to wonder if that hurt has come back again. I just might never know. because this person, is the MASTER of evasion. In all possible slickness and effortless, can pass through a fine tooth comb if they wanted to. but, my connection to this person *(which essentially, is my main motivator to be merciless and self-giving to this person) makes me wonder, is it based on authenticity or just desire?