Feb. 6 1:50 a.m.

Me^^


Soo.. the midterm madness/ hell has NOT ended.. and I still need to finish that paper. But, my mind is running a little bit rampant tonight, so I had to get a load off. Tonight I'm feeling a mixture of emotions, honestly it feels weird. If my emotions could be painted into an image, it would probably most resemble an illusion of a rainbow sherbert. On a white canvas. Colours of red, to serve as a two seperate emotions. Flowing, soft, patent red, to display the love in my heart for J. You know, after being with him for over a year, and after all we've been through, and all that I've done to show him (and myself) that I do infact truly love him, it still takes me aback to hear it. To hear it, to know it, to feel it. At the age of 18, I met the person that introduced to me to what love feels like. Sometiems our relationship weakens, and becomes flawed. But I never manage to lose my feelings for him. He could piss me riiight off to no end, and I'll still be there calling him at the end of the night, because going to sleep without his voice feels..wrong. I'm a bit sad that he will be going away for Valentines, because we never get to have one together. Last years was messssssseddd. Started off good.. definately did not end that way. I'm still going to try to plan something though...Now, there are so many things that I wish our relationship to be and grow to. The intensity of love that I truly desire for us to find in each other, so many things I desire for us to give, share, learn and develop. But the fact of the matter is, we may not live to see those moments. Life is guaranteed to no man. As I was reading earlier this week on a blog that I frequent, the present is a gift. The future should be yearned after, but it is the present that is to be embraced. So our relationship, flawed and all, I would walk a thousand miles and a thousand seas. I love you.

Strong, fierce, deep, red. Illustrating my passionate disappointing anger at the betrayal of another "friend". You know, I hate to admit it, only partially because there are some things that I'm doing at this moment that I do not want to be revealed.. but the saying that says "what's done in darkness comes to light" is nothing short of true. If there is one thing I don't like, its a facetious person. Like nails to a chalk board. Now what I can't STAND? Facetious friends, who slander your name, and then smile to you as if things are perfect. I couldn't describe the discontention that I have for this people, so I'm not even going to bother. I've heard movements that he's been on, and some of them regarding me, in the past.. but nothing major enough to make major moves. When it comes to confrontations, I work strategically. People often think, that once they hear some news, they need to go all out, RIGHT at that moment and call them out. I am definately not like that. Of course making sure that I strike while the iron is hot, I wait, until I know its time to move. Which is what I'll be doing.
Never judge a book by its cover. Just because I had seemed to be timid and shy before, don't think that I won't hold my ground when fools try to take me on. Some people don't realize that I know my worth, I know who I am. I know what I am. And I never lose sight of that.

Calming, peaceful, streaming, canary yellow.. simply because I am content! Despite the afore mentioned situation, I am happy for the time being. I got my hair done tonight.. Still some ways to go.. but I loovee getting my hair done. As for school? Still hate it. But, this week, I've been talking to alot of people at school and everyone hates it. I was speaking with my friend Tristan at lunch today.. (yeah, this week seemed to suddenly and abruptly turn into, meet/talk with people week) and I was explaning to him my dilemma regarding my discontent with what I'm studying. So, I ended up telling him that my passion lies within writing. A newly discovered passion, that looking back, I realize was always there. Or at least has been for a while. He simply told me, that if thats what I'm passionate about, thats what I need to studying. Studying, and building a career around. Funny, my friend Maya told me the same thing the day before. Confirmation? I realize that at this point, me wondering about whether I should change programs and possibly schools is an issue that I need to take to God. The kind of direction I need can only come from Him.

Just to mention a few..

With that said, I'm off to try and force myself to stay up, write a paper, spend my night with After 7 : Ready or Not and try to get into contact with J. Either that, or just daydream about the guy.