Feb 23 2009. 10:01 am

There are some times, when I start to have certain thoughts and feel certain emotions inside of me, that I don't really feel that I could share with the people that should actually hear them. Now, its not because they are private thoughts, or that I'm afraid of how it will come across. But its the fact that I am unsure if these thoughts are really grounded in stable logic. For example. My current stream of thought. I am here, once again wondering if I am giving too much and loving too hard in this relationship that I am in. Its kind of sad you know. We've been together for over a year. And we've been through some serious shit. And I still have to wonder if I really have his heart. I still have to wonder if I mean as much to him and he does to me. I have to wonder if I really have him, if he really belongs to me. You know, too often girls want to be naive and ignorant and turn a blind eye to the clear indications that they really don't have their man in their grasp like they think they do. I never want to be that way. So, how I do a chose between the conflicting emotions. One side of constantly thinking about the affection, the love that he has shown me, the small things that mean alot. Meanwhile, the other side of reminds myself about the things that have happened/ are happening that push us apart. The things that show me that I just may not be that important. I would have to give into those kind of emotions. I'm tired of being in such a dperessed setate, like I've been for lets say 99.9% of this winter. I really am. After spending a night away (with him actually for the first time) I've come out of the sad, depressing sentiment. I don't want to go back into it. But really, this is pulling me into some negative direction. I dont want to go into it. If I'm not sad, I'll be mad. I don't want to go there. I just want to know what reality is, so I can move towards it.