Happy New Year to the world. My first post of 09, and lol not much has changed since "last year". I'm not really one, to get all hype about a new year starting, because EVERYONE and their MOMS is always bragging about "fresh starts" in the new year, and then end up falling into their same old crap or same old drama. I don't limit my "fresh starts" to a new year. New moments are created spontaneously by me all the time. But my thought today, is a question that I have. What do you do when you find yourself in the predicament, of wanting someone to be there and no one is there? I mean, Im feeling this way today, and yes there are people that I could call (even though my phone is dead and I have no plans of charging it), but what do you do when you need that special person, who can fill that perpetual void of lonliness? Yeah, you could talk to anyone, but not everyone can give you what you need. .. Or can anyone even give you that fulfillment? Is that something that you have to find within yourself?
Its a half and half battle for me. Because, I want company. The company of that person. But within the past week I gave myself away. A part of me is missing. And as time goes by, the space where the other half of my being used to be, seems to become a darker and darker abyss. Its almost painful. Physically. I can feel it physically. I constantly feel light headed and disoriented, because I'm not whole anymore. It is painful. And I am starting to wonder, if I will ever gain back the substance to fill that empty space. So what do I do, when I need that person (who I am starting to believe I haven't met yet, by the way) to give me that wholesome, completing, fulfilling company, but yet I am only half of the person I need to be. Perhaps just a shell of who I used to be. I'm empty. And I regret it. Because the worst thing I could do, was give away my substance to someone who didn't deserve it. Pieces of me are missing. No, pieces of me are gone. I keep forgetting to remind myself that I am not like everyone else.
My Life - Mary J Blige
Saturday, January 3, 2009
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