Jan 3. 2009 1:03 Pm.

Still thinking here.. continuing on my last post. I am wondering if I could make I guess an activity that I do that thing that completes me? The right thing, for a girl who grew up in church, would be to say that Jesus should be my "completor". But I'd prefer not to lie to my self, since I know that I'm so far from God, that its a wonder why I'm even still alive. You see, a part of the reason why I write, is because I have a very small circle. I would say that there are maybe 3 people that I will speak to everyday. And one of the 3 truly doesn't count as a friend . So I only have two. Two that I could talk to, not wondering about whether or not they are being real with me, whether or not they are showing me who they really are, saying to me what I should know, whether or not the emotions that show to me are genuine, whether or not they actually care. Now I have a small circle. But I don't necessarily put in an effort to keep a small circle. Its just the way my life is now. Out of all the people that I know, I don't desire to have closer bonds, become closer or bestest friends with any of them. The level of relationship that I have with that person, is the way that it should stay. Soooo, in order to enlargen (is that a word) my circle, it would have to be entirely new people. Where I could find these new people? I have noooo idea. I guess school....
I'm so empty. Writing can't fill that void for me. Yes, it helps me get out what I need to get out. I come here to write for me. But writing can't fill that void. Another human can't fill that void. Humans will fail. Time and time again. I guess, it sounds like the right thing to say, because it is. I really do know that I can only turn to God, to heal me. To me, it seems like it will be a big work to do. None of the person that I was prior to Dec. 30 is here. I'm just a shell. I'll have to go to God. Turn away from the world, and go to God.